DRAWIN' JOURNAL!

THE OVERALL THOUGHS, RANTS AND/OR PLANNINGS OF SLASHWEILERDOG...

'vacation, all I EVER WANTED' yet... / 11-04-2023

I dunno exactly how to feel anymore about sharing my turmoil nor how much of it I should share, but it affected and keeps affecting my life and workload specially, so... is fair up to some degree to make it known to y'all ^^u 

~ The Good Barks 'n' Recreations...

Well, there's no way around it, as far as planned vacations go... this one was quite awesome! It was a fun time with a cool friendo and my best boyo <333 Just lovely relaxing periods in the outside, rediscovering my own city in many ways, disconnecting from the stress of work (as much as I could/wanted to... which I'm quite glad) and the main reason to gather -The Stupid-Sexy-Gamin'-Ape Movie ft. some Plumber Bros LOL- turned out to be one of the most chilling, amusingly awesome and vibrant feel-good experiences ever on the big screen, in more ways than one! Topped off with a delightful culinary experience at a place we jokingly-hyped so much during the whole week, that it would have been ridiculous not to do so x'D! So yeah, good times all around, precious moments I'm glad I was a part of <333

~ The Bad Growls, Bites 'n' Frustations...

Sadly, the other truth is... I really understimated how much the whole mugging situation affected me internally, it remained being like a big pile of crap that took over me and just... scared me something aweful. It made me fear and doubt things I KNOW I shouldn't have at all. After what I recently managed to describe only as a sort of emotional "flat-linining" (basically all that I explained in the previous addendum) going on, this past week I ended taking that conflict into places that also affected those around me. I was constantly fighting it and trying to keep it together to preserve things all good for the sake of our vacation; and while nothing was as bad as to ruin the whole thing, in many ways I ended putting them in undeserved positions of discomfort that I deeply regret, and honestly made me feel quite fucking OOF inside X_x

What felt the worst of all is that... it didn't have to be that way at all if I just managed to be more open and honest about how I was feeling, not only with everyone around me but specially with myself first. Yes, granted these were all things I was helped to realize by the end of it. I guess I just didn't know what the fuck was going on with me at the moment until it was too fucking late X_x 

~ The No-Way-Around-It...

The conclusion is one I've been tinkering with for a while even before all this: I really need some therapy. I like doing introspection and wondering on the ways I work, I know I'm not fragile person, I always tell myself I'm the master of my own domain yeah... but I'm not invincible. I can't put a blind eye anymore to the many things that I just can't handle, or that I though I did for a while, but they've morphed enough into stuff I just dunno how to anymore. And the close people you deeply care and count with can only do so much before you accept you need professional help, at least... that's what I can say about my case. I feel no shame on admitting it, but I do feel a little guilt I left things (aside of outside forces interfering) get outta hand, affecting and hurting them too =_=U

~ ...Yet The Show Must Go On ^^u

There's a general financial aspect that has had me delaying doing therapy so far, and as well as things were going for the most part, it just wasn't part of my priorities. But it's all a matter of organizing myself around it and making it a priority, as much as I've done with several other aspects and/or things hitting me around in life in order to reach my goals ^^u I'll keep working as "normal" as I can since I just have to, and I hope at least these discoveries keep shapping my decisions for the better <333 Details on how I'll proceed with commissions and/or personal works will remain being shared/updated on their respective places through this website and the many public spaces I share my works through ^^

Thanks once again if you went along reading all this ^^! These journals keep helping me sort out my trains of thoughs in ways I keep valuing more and more each time, until the next one.. hopefully with even better outcomes =3 

ADD: Of art-Blocks 'n' Monkey breaks... / 30-03-'23

An update on the happenings of last week and the next; this whole thing has been so annoyingly stressful, and my sickness have had me taking several breaks before finally publishing it, dammit X_X anyways... 

~ Art-Blocked 'n' Literally Sick of It X_x

For the past week or so I've not been able to work on anything no matter how much I try to get in the zone, I just end feeling tired, angry and sick. I either get headaches or cold sweats, I can't sleep properly whenever I want to, I just fucking hate it X_x I keep telling myself the situation that happened probably affected me deeper than I think? I though I was over it, I though I managed to rationalize it like it was no biggie, but maybe I've not had the time to actually process it and is manifesting through all this crap??? I dunno, I just... I feel so bad, so sorry and so impotent. I wish I could have delayed my parents' visit travel into next month or something, I dunno... I can't change what happened, I know. I hate these instances 'cuz I wanted to do so many things the moment I got back from my visit, I was going through a very good lap before all this. Hell, these past weeks I wasn't really relaxing, but rather just guilt tripping myself for not finishing and/or starting anything like an endless loop. I dunno what the fuck is going on, but today I told myself... enough guilt tripping, dammit! 

~ A Break With a Monkey 'n' Some Plumbers, I Guess...

So what also was having me on hold and aiding to this mental persecution is that these next couple of weeks a friend from Argentina will be visiting me, and is a trip that we've been planning for months in advance, secured right before the whole muggin instance happened to me, and with how differently I expected things to play out, cancelation was always out of the question. The main reason for it is to share the premiere of the stupid sexy monkey movie ft. some plumbers LOL -but yeah really, I've been lookin' up to this thing for a while, specially since Donkey Kong's presence keeps getting more relevant and just fucking delicious-, but also it's like a planned vacation that originally wouldn't have disrupted my workload and schedule, since is a rarity for me to plan relaxation in advance.

Anyways, all things considered, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be at home again or at all during most of it and/or if I'm gonna be carrying around my drawing tablet with me. If I do so I'll be sketching here and there to not get rusty and at least cope with the possibilities, allowing myself to express some stuff. But ideally I won't be doing anything commission-related until the whole trip duration is over, which will be around April 10th, then pretty sure that week I might be opening a few slots the weekend after that to recoup some momentum, but I'll see how things play out closer to that date ^^u Biggest consolation for now is my arm is pretty much fully healed with no signs of long-term damage, so that's pretty awesome ^^

All in all I can't let circumstances stop me and let me feel defeated. I just keep finding it hard to communicate that with clients/followers without using too much words, or just doing it at all... Anyways, I hope you all get a chance to relax during easter week too ^^! 

of 'S34E01 A BIRTHDAY SCARE-SHOT IN THE DARK...' / 18-03-'23

I dunno what's more ironic: for this exact scene of Snake* to come to my head instantly when thinking of what happened to me through a 'tragicomical' lense, or that the image file size ended being 911kbs... sigh ^^U either way... letting the situation define me from now on wasn't an option, but I would be lying to myself if I said it didn't affect me =_=U

~ The Plan and The Night In Question...

Back at the beginning of this year I planned on visiting my family during March, partially for my birthday's sake, but at the same time in order to help my parents to upgrade their computer (from Windows 7 to 10 -gleefully skipping 8 and 8.1 in the process LOL- simply adding an SDD, you know... gotta keep those precious digitally-saved family memories safe -I mean, once mom told me they wanted to install her Windows 19??? I knew I needed to be there instead). I was gonna do so during its second weekend to skip the horrible summer heatwave going on here, but at the end it seemed better to go a few days later 'cuz where they live is seriously not better in that regard. With all that sorted, I decided to go on the dawn of monday, 'cuz little dawg me doesn't like traveling during the day at all...

I had no money with me whatsoever, circumstances wouldn't allow me to get any until next day anyway, but it's not like I needed any at the moment... I was just ready with my backpack filled mostly with some clothing for the upcoming days, a couple of books to keep me entertained just in case, also the bus station is like only 15 mins from where I live, so what were the odds... the odds of some random mugger approaching me. He went with the excuse of "hey buddy, you dropped something, you dropped a bill here" when I knew he was lying, and as usual... I just ignored such things. Stranger danger and what not... stranger danger indeed. The guy suddenly attacked me, dropping me in the floor, holding me strongly, bruising my right hand, arm and leg while forcing himself on me, trying to snatch my wallet away in the hope of scoring some cash. I just kept telling the guy I had nothing and to please let me go -it was one of those instances in where suddenly everyone else just dissappeared- and after he sucessfully got it and verified exactly was I was telling him the whole time, he dropped it off and walked way... or ran away? I dunno, I honestly have blocked him from my head as of now. I don't remember how he looked at all. I'm pretty sure even as everything was happening I refused to look at his face, I didn't want to know.

The whole thing happened right around the time the bus I was supposed to get in was ready for depart, so I had little reason to look back... and if anything, what safest place to go at the time, right? it took me a bit to notice the struggle with the guy broke my pants' buckle, good thing I had an extra belt to use... otherwise I would have reached the station half naked X_x Before I knew it, there I was in the bus already, sitting still in shock of 'whatever the fuck happened' as I told myself... I slowly noticed I was bleeding here and there, but I was safe and on the road to where I supposed to be at least, that was good enough and nothing else mattered then.

I inmediately wrote my bf and some close friends about what happened, and looking back I'm perplexed at myself with the way my mind processed the whole situation. I rationalized how 'it was better that it happened to me and not to other people' I saw around the same time, even feeling sorry for the guy 'cuz he kept telling while leaving that the whole reason he did was 'cuz he was desperately hungry. But days later it dawn on me: I didn't know if the guy was armed or not, I didn't know how far he would go... I mean, sure whatever situation placed us in that moment in time wasn't fair -socioeconomically speaking- but holy shit... I was just living my times, doing my thing, bothering fucking no one and... I could have died that day.

~ The Seemly Chaotic-But-No-Quite Yet-Still-Very-Scary Outcome...

But I didn't thankfully, and the next days kept happening 'as normal' once I reached my parents' place that morning. They did 'cuz I didn't want the whole thing weighting on me... to be muggled once in the more-than-a-decade I've been living here? it felt insignificant... or maybe I wanted it to feel that way, I wanted to inmediately laugh about it, oh silly me and life happenings hahaha :V but, slowly some of the consequences felt hard to ignore. Sure, they sipped themselves into the realms of "what could have happened" -which is one I always make sure not to dive deep into, otherwise you just don't live your life-, but they were there and very present.

First, I didn't notice until after the whole bus trip that my glasses were gone for good, losing them in the encounter X_x I was inmediately contemplating on getting a loan and/or raising money urgently to get new ones and having to deal with the whole process, derailing other plans... but thankfully, those were backup ones. My main ones were broken a while ago, so if anything this whole thing forced me to fix them properly on my own... and while in prescription terms I should have gotten new ones a long time ago, you know... budgetting and surviving first. I ended having to research and look around pricing and what not these days, but at least the urgency is not there and I can place that update in the backburner >_<U

Second, during the next days I kept having lots of pain on my right arm and hand, unable to move and/or bend it extensively... to the point it made me feel a bone might have been broken, and honestly that's the scariest part of all... I realized inmediately howmy livelihood and job depends on it, it's on my drawing side... I started wondering if I had to get an operation and what not, the time and money I would have to spend on it, all the delays, move-arounds and implications, for the first couple of nights I was genuinelly scared and feeling very weak. And while at the time of writing this the pain is present enough to remind me of the warnings from that day, it's not severe enough to make me wonder those worst-case-scenarios anymore. If anything, I'm way more careful about my resting and health than I ever was before.

Thankfully in the middle of all those things, everything else went as planned computer-wise... even with a little surprise mini-party of sorts from my parents, celebrating my birthday early since I had to come back specifically that day, also at dawn... 'cuz I wasn't gonna let that bad experience sour my ways, that's for sure. And lookin' back I probably could have stayed and rested more, but that's me... always opting to be busy, to keep moving instead =_=U sigh, anyway... As I'm still recovering, I dunno how much of the physical damage I got is truly severe and how much of it ended being somatic ^^u but I can tell you all for sure that writing it down was a welcome relief, as it often is for me: a nice way of processing things. Already feeling lighter and better ='3

I've been wanting to go back to work inmediately since I came back, but not being able to sort what happened in my head was really blocking me... glad I could get this behind for the most part now, and if you did so, thanks for reading it all, have a nice day and stay safe ^^! *no worries Snake, this doesn't make me love you any less <333 

of NEW YEAR'S BLIND-FOLDIN' WORKAROUNDS... / 09-01-2023

I was debating on where to submit this, but the blue bird's musk has been quite unpleasant and limiting lately; and them life happenings needed more publicity... not private enough for just subs, yet not short enough for twitter ^^u

New year's eve felt seamless and a bit irrelevant 'cuz it all happened in a weekend, but it was a good one none the less... specially considering all of the improvements I managed to do on my working area (a separated tray for my keyboard leaving all the space for my tablet) and general room space (a whole new closet) before the end of December; so... it was annoying to see this first past week of the year feeling like such a nothing sandwich, and I felt quite bad about it... 

It's not like I've not been doing stuff, but I certainly got myself stuck in a slump of bad sleep and dispair ruining my planned schedule X_x Basically, all the good changes I did in my room, along the good ol' sunny hawt SUNNY summer dayz, translated into needing to seal the light coming from some of the "walls" -aka two big ass windows I've mentioned before- even more... and the extra effort there didn't do much except for helping me realize how this place I live just sucks quite a bit... at least structurally speaking, and stupid sexy jebus knows I don't wanna invest on "repairing" a rented place I don't even own at all, ence why all the improvements have been workarounds mainly ^^u

And along those workarounds (which in hindsight feel like something I should have done on the first place... I dunno, I tried so many things before, I didn't think I should go to such extremes LOL) I got blindfolds for sleeping and a set of earplugs. 'Gee Slash, is it that bad?' you may ask... sadly yes. I guess I've been so used to the loudness and distractions around me, that my brain just turned them into white noise after a while, always fully aware but complety resignated X_x So I must say... the test results of a pow-nap with the blindfold and plugs were... fascinating, quite weird at first... but it didn't took me long until I felt like I was suddenly placed inside a suspended animation chamber of pure... blank... silent bliss =3= I can't wait to get a proper full sleep with those!

Anyways, I felt like writing this little journal 'cuz it was relevant enough for me to establish awareness, I hate when my indecisiveness turns into silence ^^u Things have been doing wonders for the most part in the last few months outside of this, even if I've not been able to exactly draw for myself as often or as freely as I would like, but getting things done commissions' wise (not to mention being able to be quite transparent through the status page) is equally rewarding =3

Thanks for reading, I hope your year started nicely and here's hoping I can survive summer long enough to see way more progress done before it ends;

and Netflix... fuck you for canceling Inside Job right after renewing it, you fucking pricks >_<!

ADD: NOW THAT'S A SPICY PAYOFF =3= / 21-10-2022

Goodie, you can tell things are good when blueberry husbando is back on the spotlight xO Anyways, a little addendum regarding developments from my last journal below, so if anything... reference that one for more details =3=

~ So (Subs)Starz've Been Reached, Thanks Gov'nor!

Remember that whole deal about becoming an *reads card again* 'independant unipersonal enterprise', and how I though I needed to have a year worth of taxes paid in order to expand my financial chances with checking accounts and what not? well, it turns out it was way less complicated than that ^^u It was all about that sweet local IRS registry number, baby! Some additional local endevours and bank paperworks later, gladly solved in a day, and I was able to receive my gains from SubscribeStar no problem =D

Part of the deal was adding Wise into my roadmap of companies to work with, which is sort of like an intermediary bank, and it works wonders! The speed it all managed to get solved was so good ( way more than my commission backlog *ba dum tss* -wooh, self burnt... yep, deserved- ) and my god, I've not experienced such a lovely and helpful customer service with any other company before, both Wise and Subscribestar (specially the latter) guided me carefully through the whole requirements and process, even making me aware of any missing details (whenever any) before I did, it was all such a breeze!

So yeah, although I'm still dealing with some of the classic you-know-which-company shienanigans, I've all of my alternative bases covered more than ever, and I'm glad I sticked to my guns when it came to ditching the 'big' P!

~ Other Miscellanous Quick Updates...

Daily sketch commissions have remained a moderate success since the last application, but I kinda gave up on just announcing them through Twitter... the blue bird just doesn't do it's job, or rather expect that I surrended to the algorythm, posting in specific hours and what not... is very annoying. so I'm doing whatever announcements on most of my other galleries through different postings. Schedule was hindered while I was focusing on solving the SubscribeStar thing, but hopefully I'm gonna be back to the juggle for good ^^ If anything, the whole section on this site has been overhauled to be more transparent and more explicit than ever before =D When in doubt, make sure to check it!

And speaking of this site, hopefully sooner than later I'll be able to expand its functionallity to include all of my works in it, removing the necessity of external galleries in the process... I'll be working with a very trusted web-designer to make sure is a pleasant easy experience. Is not like I'm gonna stop posting in all those other places, but I want my site to be central to my art more than ever before =3

Overall, I can't exactly put on words how good I feel, but it's like I'm not just going through the motions anymore. Sure, there's a lot of holes and goals in my life that still need solving, but for the first time in a long while... l I feel truly free =3= 

Kinda rushed this by the end, but damn... I can't keep rolling my words into nothing ^^u thanks for reading, have a nice halloween!

THE UNTITLED WINDS OF CHANGE, OH YEAH! / 29-08-2022

Damn, last journal was a long time ago... the months fly and I hate it. I guess I've been more lenient to share updates on twitter and what not, still... I felt this time a whole "walkthrough" of my situation was needed again ^^

~ Finally a Gov-Recognized Work... Hooray (?)

Well yeah, hooray indeed x3 This is one of the most relevant and game-changing events happening to me, at the beginning of August I finally reached a year worth of tax payments on what my goverment recognizes now as my *reads card* 'independant unipersonal enterprise'. And while I'm not sure exactly how yet 'cuz there's a lot of paperwork and info. gathering involved, for the most part this will open brand new financial oportunities for me, offering different options I honestly didn't have before, like better healthcare and housing ^^!

I still will be renting for the most part, but at least eventually I'll be able to move to somewhere more 'adecuate' and with better management and controls. I mean, I like where I am now and have been content for the last 5 years or so, but this place has always felt like a sort of 'loophole' I got myself used to 'cuz of limitations, and sure I'll be forever grateful for the opportunities... but at some point you just gotta move on. That said, I still plan to stretch my stay for at least another year or so, since is the most "convenient" for my job when it comes to internet costs (even if  -either on purpose and/or caused by stupid meddling cats that don't even live here, I never will know for sure- the access is cut temporarely out of nowhere every once in a while -those of you checking my streams regularly and/or my sudden twitter rants know what I'm talking about LOL-), as much as other daily life expenses (I swear, their laid back approach to charging me disturbs more than it helps at times, I shouldn't be the one having to make the compromises over them, dammit)... you know, surviving ^^u

And then there's also the chance of finally working with bank-owned checking accounts! This is an aspect I've considered before, but that was offered to me in a "credit card" manner first, and through the experience I've gained with loans and debt and monthly payments... I say hell NO to that route X_X So yeah, checking accounts will be less compromising and provide me a better sense of management and security overall, SPECIALLY not having to rely entirely on PP and related services (like with my card issuer who lowkey holded my funds ransom for a while last year) and with that, among other factors I'll be mentioning soon, came the resolutions I've taken in the last couple of months regarding my artworks and business...

~ Outta The (Fan)Box, Done with Pat(reon), Reachin' for the (Subs)Starz =3=

Around July I decided to pause my Patreon (considering it was the only one at the time allowing me to do so LOL) 'cuz I was feeling in kind of a slump, while Fanbox on the other side was being quite inactive, and the whole experience with them was getting a bit... unworthy of the stress and extra work. Subscribers not being the problem of course, but the sites themselves and things around them... well, mostly around Patreon's ^^u

As I've mentioned before and is well known to many (specially to THEM ¬_ ¬u), leaks of content from creators keep happening. Sure, there're methods to "fix" all that crap and what not, but I don't think is fair AT ALL that they GOTTA be done by us, while they provide no solutions whatsoever, even though they CLEARLY have the resources to do it!

Yep, is still highly annoying and very dissapointing. After a while you just feel ignored and exploited: first, you can't use the post feed properly with those concerns; supposedly they also get to decide what you do outside their platform... like wtf is up with that???; then their rules as an adult creator are vague as shit and you don't know when they will suspend or ban-hammer you, 'cuz basically you've control over nothing, and it's like... why are you even using the platform for? so they can charge extra and take money both from you and the people kind enough to support what you produce? 'cuz that's what happens and it feels shitty after a while, and I'm aware I'm one of those legacy "founder" creators, I can't imagine those who have to pay extra to get services deemed basic back then, now as premium... while still having the same problems? it just sucks... and a lot X_x

I mean, you can't blame people wanting "free" content. I've seen the other side of struggling, sometimes is just too much and taking the "easy" route is tempting as hell, and... is sorta true sometimes that way is how some people ends discoverying and supporting you. But you can't blame creators for wanting to earn something outta their hardwork, right? And the thing is: we're not corporations, we're just little people going around and trying to make the best outta living in a world that demands us to monetize ourselves to live (sadly or thankfully, I've made peace with that) and again, it feels like they're taking advantage of that.

Shouldn't Patreon be the one providing a service that warrants access to those supporting you only at the end of the day? and when that doesn't happen, it all feel pointless... why charge some people if others are gonna use the workaround to your stuff? why going through the whole trouble? I'm one of those doing this for a living, yet my goal is always for people to enjoy my works properly and be rewarded for their support if/when they can do so. When you fail to provide that in either side, well... you're pissing off people who can't afford it, and those who can probably feel the same, and it all ends in dissapointment, dispair and desmotivation as a creator... month after month feeling the same shitty way, 'cuz they don't help you at all X_x But enough is enough, dammit!

I think the wake up call was seeing that SubscribeStar does care about that kind of stuff -granted, Fanbox does too, but is different... they've a long way to go, and I hope they improve eventually-, that they provide solutions and methods to avoid all that, thay they don't make you feel shitty for being an adult content creator, they understand the nuances (AND ADJUST THEIR RULES ACCORDINGLY) and welcome you with open arms. And to be clear, my crouch with them was related to my financial situation, and I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing money from their sources until a couple of months from now, since the paperworks to withdraw my earnings are gonna be long, tedious... and a bit costly. But I will take the chance anyday it comes, instead of sucking up to a place that makes me feel that I'm not welcome, that I'm unprotected and that I don't belong whatsoever =_= maybe things will change? I honestly don't have many hopes, and for now I'll just stick around the few people I enjoy supporting there at least ^^

So with that in mind I said fuck it and decided to change my approach, to stick with what I know works best. I started sharing my fully colored artworks in the open again -'cuz if anyone is gonna share my stuff in high res*, that's ME dammit :V- and focus on my private Discord server. People tell me the enviroment there is what they enjoy the most about subscribing... and that can't be as easily replicated or "leaked" as far as I know... which is a lot, and is what has defined a lot of my options there ¬_¬u There's also the chance of being a bit more interactive with my artworks (not that it wasn't there before, but sort of an OCD thing) since I won't depend on a public release window for things anymore. I'll try to do more trades, have fun with stupid memes here and there LOL, just going back to be more of myself, without stress... with the full understanding of my topics and motivations, not feeling policed, just feeling fucking free <3

~ A Commish a Day Keeps The Debts 'n' Struggles Away =D

So out of the changes mentioned before, which worked like a revelation, I started doing sort of "daily sketch" commissions a while ago to keep me afloat and it has been a wonderful experience. Nonetheless, I wanna clarify this is NOT a way to avoid taking care of my backlog, or that 'cuz I'm doing these it means I'm just intentionally pushing back on things, neglecting clients to favour others... hell no! And I understand if to some it feels that way 'cuz of the waiting period (OOF if I'm ever aware of that constantly) but I insist is not the case... is just another result of adapting myself to circumstances, except for the first time it has feel the most... appropiate? Even with the whole consideration of taxes making it look unworthy 'cuz of them being 'cheap', so to speak (seriously, why am I being charged extra and forced to discharge that extra on clients just for doing things professionally, PP... what's up with that?), the overall result is quite perfect!

And I sense this will help me with the problem that started me rolling down this hill of pendings: the constant need of income for impending bills, rent, etc. Since daily sketches are "easy" (at least less time consuming than other LVLs I offer) to produce and the cost are affordable for clients, the weekly compensation outta them instantly balances everything out, letting me go back to older commissions while being ensured I won't be struggling. It also allows me to be more flexible with my purchases, be them for leisure, sustainance, obligations, etc.

While this was sadly tampered by the mentioned move of platforms, since ensuring that it all works right while allowing a proper transition for subscribers needed a lot of backend work - and still gotta fix some details-, once it's all over I know things will just get easier and I'll be able to push back even further into an ideal situation. And to be even more transparent is something I'm working towards with this website (aka I need to bring my full pendings list publicly back soon, I'm still recovering from my last Windows update in that regard ^^u).

At the end, I can only thanks all of your for your patience and motivation all this years, I know how frustrating it can be for many, but it will all pay off, I'll make sure of that... my mistakes and problems shall never be your burden, and if I agreed to do things is 'cuz I know they will be done and delivered!

I hope this journal provides a bit more clarity on what has been happening, I had a bit of a hard time writing it 'cuz I didn't want anything to be missconstruded or vague... but I knew it was needed, and if you did so, thanks a lot for reading it! 

*I'm planning on doing so retroactively for some older works btw, so... stay tooned for that =3

add: SINK DRIPS 'N' LEAKS, BUT pc upgrades! / 07-02-2022

Heyo peeps! As the title says, this is just an addendum journal... regarding recent developments on my working area and resources ^^! Whatever planning info. explained on my previous journal still applies as the current ones, just so you know =3

So what do you know: around a year ago while I was about to 'upgrade' my desktop setting, installing the digital display tablet, the garbage disposal on my sink got clogged and the maintenance guy at my place had to take care of it... basically the whole thing needed to be replaced brand new, and it took almost a whole day to do so. Last weekend something similar happened... timing, right? I'm gonna call it 'imposed tradition' LOL

~ 'Put That Thing In The Wall Where It Leaks From, or So Help Me' :V

This time it was a leaky faucet that needed to be replaced, like... the whole thing! The one in place was a decade old and it finally cracked... silently sipping water into the wall and running down the back of my sink; and it was a good thing I found out at night before going to bed... or I would have woke up the next day to a nice lake in my kitchen xD

'Piece of cake to replace' one would think, since the crack just looked like a dent in the main device... but for some reason the new faucet, although it was sold to me as 'the standard size' from the old one, it was apparently impossible to put on the wall at first... or at least not without having to make a new hole in the wall and move some of the pipes around to fit it accordingly. How do I know this? 'cuz I witnessed the maintenance guy insisting on it NOT being necessary while struggling and sweat-raging and cursing for a whole day; I couldn't sleep at all 'cuz of said repairs, and given my flipped sleeping schedule at the time -not to mention temporary lack of privacy- not even focus on work... a doomed/lost Saturday for sure. But yeah, at least after that I had a nice sound sleep night, and the next day he realized the mentioned change was needed, it was done in a few hours and now is kinda just a funny story... hooray xD!

~ Now Crank Dat Window Open All The Way Up to 11 D: !

You know what else wasn't changing for almost 10 years either? my PC xD I mean yeah, around the 5-years-old mark I changed from an HDD into an SSD, went from Win7 to 10, added a very minimal graphic card, and yes it all helped for a while... but the poor thing just didn't want anything anymore, at least not since the tablet joined the party ^^u

So I went into research mode for a couple of weeks and last weekend, slowly but surely, I bought the proper components to jump into a 'sorta-brand-new' one -always assisted by the boyfriendo, thank you hon- and assembled it from scratch! And although I initially intended to keep using Win10 for a couple of months more, the old setup I had apparently wasn't compatible with the new one... so I had to start from zero with it; and I said fuck it, might as well go into Win11. I mean... I had nothing to lose, considering since a while ago all my data is kept in separated drives untouched by any kind of formatting-wipe done to the OS each time.

Except... this time I was so convinced the main SSD disk could be easily (and almost seamlessly) moved into the new computer, that I didn't backup any of my preferences/settings -mostly web browser related ones- from it whatsoever LOL; not to mention some shienanigans related to my ignorance on the care necessary to assemble the things down to a tee, recovering my old Windows activating key, then trying to purchase a new one, etc being quite the hassle... so much like the faucet thing, it took us all day ^^u

BUT WHATEVER, it was nothing that couldn't be solved and/or replaced eventually and the new setup was working fine right outta the boxes hardware-wise, so to speak. Aware I am on taking a while to upgrade, yet whenever I do I can't help to feel I'm jumping into the  f u t u r e @#@ xD Things that took my old computer an extra graphic card to do, now take nothing to the integrated one it has, not to mention double the RAM and processor speed, if not more??? holy shit xD I'm happy I'll be able to intertwine entertainment* with work very easily, making multitasking even MORE of a breeze... like being able to finally livestream draw/paint in 720p while watching my fav shows/movies/videos, without my pen turning into a lazy ass slug or GIMP crashing on me constantly** <333

*some of my fav games finally in full screen not looking/moving like shit, like you stupid sexy Dirk Savage ¬3¬
**I mean it does around the same as usual 'cuz old software LOL, except now in HIGH DEFINITION XDDD

I'm excited and hoping for the best with this new setup! And in a way I couldn't have gotten it so smoothly financial-wise without the support of my followers, subscribers and clients' help, so THANKS A LOT <333

THE TL;DR ON THE UPCOMING DAWG DAYS OF '22 / 09-01-2022

I come today as a man of few words... no, I dunno what a poopdeck is *ba dum tss* but yes, I wanna keep it short and sweet*. 2021 is gone and we're already more than a whole week into 2022... oh, what a rush!

FIRST OF ALL HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEEPS! I hope you all had a nice holiday season =D mine was an improvement from last time, that much I can say... I loved seeing my family again quite a lot (even if at times I got reminded of the benefits of distance LOL), although maybe I should've gone easier on my cavalcade of junk-food holiday-consumption... not a good combo; now I'm paying it up with sugar highs and lows hitting me like a truck, as much as the ones that come with summer season temperatures being all over the place... this dawg is ready to become a night-owl once again, that's for sure!

Anyways THIS JOURNAL IS ONLY PLANNING INFORMATION, since I've finally left my hellish financial situation in the past -with everything properly regulated and sorted for the most part- '22 will be all about drawing and keeping up with myself, just making sure that things get done!**...as much as enjoying favourite media's husbandos/boyos more, but that's a story for my works and/or social media feeds to be the ones telling it xP

So yeah, since this month all those drawings will start becoming public once they're a year-old respectively, and I'll be sharing them on each of my available gallery-profiles around the web =D It's gonna be sort of a first for me (in the past I tried it but it was very experimental) and I think it's gonna pay off nicely!

(BTW I originally wanted to end 2021 on the 69th LOL, but I guess that's gonna be a goal for THIS year ;D )

This decision might have a few exceptions here and there, but ONLY if I happen to run into any emergency of sorts -pls life, don't- or if the timings are good enough to allow an opening beforehand (if anything it'll be announced separatedly each time)... my apologies to eager/expecting newcomers, believe me, it has been... harsh to have to say no, but it's the best for now ^^u

So then it happens: either I wanna draw and the ideas don't come (and while suggestions are always there, expecting and/or clinging to them is just not my way of working), or the drawing mood remains dormant when I get new ideas, and by the time I get it back, they vanish ^^u To avoid this, I decided to start keeping a proper database of them from now on... and yes, if you think is something I should've started doing long ago then I don't blame you for thinking it, sometimes the simplest solutions escape our minds the most LOL

The last paragraph is mostly true about the wildest ideas for drawings BTW, given the nature of my content... sometimes they just burst out of a peak state of 'inspiration' *ba dum tss* and by the time you regained clarity and focus into other things, well... bygones be bygones xP

Also, there're lots of things I wanna try more this year, both in the technical/skill level as much as topically speaking, but i've not set any "goals" per se 'cuz, again, that is reserved for my commission-backlog. Off the top of my head, though: more make out scenes, since I fucking love those; more interactions between characters of media I like and my own (a concept I've been quite hesistant for... reasons? stupid ones I guess); and yeah... I wanna explore more of the twisted 'RAW labeled' fetishes I like in fiction... and there the sky is the limit, that's for sure ¬3¬ ...and whichever site allows me to post them too, though xD

*I said to myself as I ended days coming with the proper words for this whole thing, god I hate my brain, sigh ^^u
**That Pixiv's dashboard 'game' about weeks-in-a-row posting surely gonna keep me on the edge of consistency xP

Thanks if you read this journal fully, my best wishes to you all this year... let's make it a good one regardless of all the hardships and problems sorrounding it, cheers!

ADD: you'll haVE A damn WEEK OFF AND ENJOY IT? / 12-11-2021

Heyo again, damn that was a short time for a new journal to arrive... anyways, as the title says this is just an addendum to my previous journal. Although my financial situation finally 'resolved', my body didn't seem to get the memo, or at least needed more time to process it ^^u I initially was going to just take a weekend off, but it ended being a whole week X_x oh well... things went down vibe-wise and I couldn't ignore it. Hopefully just drawing, drawing, drawing from now on... but I still though this was needed to be addressed. SPECIALLY the last part about my Subs-Server changes ^^! And for proper planning info. please refer back to my previous journal =3

~ Oh... PTSDammit X_x

It feels weird to use that term for what I think has been happening to me this past week; I always associated it with more "extreme" stuff, but in a way it seems to be correct... maybe is not entirely derivated from a "traumatic" experience in the literal sense of the word, but... I was certainly living under a kind of undesired pressure controlling me, one that became constant, almost like it was "normal" and that fucking sucked! The sensation as of writing this, I only can describe it like an struggle between my body, finally wanting and being able to chill, and my brain, stuck still in a severe sense of alert; like if something bad is always about to happen, like if that tension gotta be preserved in the same levels from before 'just in case'... and I hate it. But I can't do much beyond reasurring myself that is all good now and just wait/letting-it-go-away naturally. I hope its sooner than later, though ^^u

I didn't expect it to be as long, but I've allowed my self to enjoy the  'break' though; I've been watching shows/movies I like... like ACTUALLY watching them, not multitasking and trying to keep attention to various things at a time; I've been playing with Axel Stone a lot (hubba hubba streets of rageeee hahaha) and so far that's the one "intentional" level of stress I've allowed xD I've been walking out more, reconnecting with my keto-diet properly, and I hope working out ends among those things turning into another 'normal' habit soon; not to mention treating my back properly for once (although I know that's gonna be a long term thing to do, kinda)... but see? there're not neccesarely 'bad things' around me at the moment, and that's what baffles me about that previously described sensations still lurking around ^^u

Thankfully drawing keeps moving further away from being related to those bad sensations these days; I still really enjoy being active in that regard and I'm glad it didn't turned into a chore... 'cuz what remains after finances is all proper responsabilities related to drawing-to-move-forward, and I can finally focus better on those =3 !

~ Subs-Server Changes 'n' what was the Process...

It wasn't all lowkey mental-dread and chill this past week, though. I was also working on those sometimes-tedious behind-the-scenes things that most don't care nor have to, but still make it seems like I'm inactive X_x First was reorganizing my Pixiv gallery-tags again, and the second was updating my Subscribers' Discord server a bit;

Back when I moved from just posting on Patreon/FanBox into using said server, the main reason behind was to find a proper alternative to avoid leaks. It also became a nice way to offer more interaction between my way of working and supporters (in livestream form). I still wasn't sure on how to use the server or what exactly to do with it, though; eventually it 'morphed' a bit into a sort of 'hang-out' place... I even invited a few friends in as courtesy... but, I gotta admit with time the social pressure from the server kinda dwell on me, and it became a bit overwheelming... not to mention a bit "unfair" to the people subscribed, from my perspective. So this week I did a proper clean-up and reorganize the place, moving into having it strictly for subs' purposes;

What I initially wanted to do recently was to reinstate SubscribeStar's connection since they work with new payment processors, but after reviewing and checking on them, I sadly realized they're not the best for me (the one that would requires lotsa paperworks as much as a timeframe that I still don't reach); meanwhile... doing that showed me that the Patreon bot and its Tier connections weren't working properly... members weren't given roles properly, nor kicked out when they should have, etc, etc a total mess overall. So now I'm aware a clean-up and/or reset will be a process to do manually every month, tedious... but worth it xD

My apologies to those I invited and had to remove, I'm sorry; I admit it was my mistake to never fully explain to you how things were going to be or until when, 'cuz frankly I just didn't know ^^u but I hope you understand, who knows... in the future maybe, if things keep getting calmer and more balanced, I might create a server exclusively to hang out ^^ But for now, I prefer not... and I think the connections I've with certain peeps, on whichever specific places each of you know happen often, are more than good enough for me right now =3

Thanks if you read this journal fully... and now back to the drawing board I go, dammit <333

CHEERS TO A TOTALLY-WORTH-NUTTIN' NOVEMBER! / 30-10-2021

September and October were... quite the months, that's for sure LOL; I'm glad I'm finally got to write this one, and I glad is hopefully the last time I'll have to mention banking issues... GOOD END <333

This whole thing was a learning experience, a needed transition... things have been mostly quite positive for the last months since the previous journal, I took severe fucking bumps in the road... but the journey was worth it; if I'm swearing more often than usual... well, that's the energy this whole situation left me with xD

FOR PROPER PLANNING INFO. JUST JUMP INTO THE LAST SECTION =3

~ Trading Cards, Trading Bankz, Trading Back...

As you may recall from my Taxation Frustration journal below, my whole problems started 'cuz my card issuer -one of the companies I took one of the mentioned loans with back then- told me I had a limit of money withdraw in general with them, including PayPal, and that forced me to go back to my local bank again -which originally stopped working with PayPal here, but now they do again or whatever-. So back in August, there I was once more meddling with paperworks, going from office to office, from one long banking-timed week of waiting into another one -not to mention delays and missunderstandings that extended the whole process into a month- until thankfully, even if limited this time by "working days available" transactions only at the end, I was able to receive my money stress-free again... and that was good, a total relief ^^!

So then I started organizing myself around this new card, making sure to plan my weekly schedule for withdrawings 'cuz otherwise -even if NOT as much waiting as I expected was involved- I would start having troubles with my bills, taxes and rent; but once I got the hang of it all... everything went smoother... and I was covering all the things quickly and with time to spare. Time that I could dedicate fully into my commissions and overall works, allowing me to arrange/finish new things faster, etc... all in all quite a great perfect outcome, right? right! Now I could finally embrace the responsability of paying off my sadly-needed-at-the-time yet 'non-regerted'-'cuz-useful loan debts ^^u

The biggest loan was my priority to cover, mainly 'cuz after almost a year of going through the little monthly payments they deviced I realized I was being fucking screwed, and if I kept doing it that way... I would have given them twice if not thrice the amount of money they originally gave me. What I paid all at once to cancel it was a huge amount yes, but a way better deal... the fucking RELIEF I felt that day, I'm still processing it TBH... but all that mattered it that is was done! I was and I'm still aware I can recover from it... and for the first time in almost a decade since I focused on working on my own through drawings, I felt some shocking yet very welcome mental peace T3T BUT OH BOI, the emotional roller coaster wasn't done yet 'cuz...

~ Sorry Dawg, But Your Credit Limit Wasn't On Any Card :V

*Just... fucking SIGH, duuude X__X* So yeah, right after I paid that big loan I told myself: why stop there if I can get rid of the other one with the stupid card that started the whole problem in the first place too? Originally, I wanted to cover myself until December with them, and why? 'cuz then the supposed "limit of withdraw" I had would've been reached -and different from the big one, the payments on this loan were fixated, so all my "advance payments" would do is to extend the deadlines away from me... not perfect, but good enough-; AFTER that, though... I would still have a couple of payments left, but if I could get rid of it ALL in advance so that I could start 2022 with no debts whatsoever, well... how I could say no to that ? worst case scenario, the limit would make the money bounce and fine, I'll wait until January...

...and so I took the chance (thanks to a Snake Jailbird tentacled commish of all things LOL YUS =3=) and went for the killing strike, dumping into the card the final withdraw that would FREE me ONCE AND FOR ALL, effectively surpassing my so-called limit and... nothing, nothing bad happened >_>!? there was no bounce, no warning from any of the parts involved, nothing... the money just got into my card, and I finally completed my debt with them...

So basically THE LIMIT WAS A FUCKING LIE THE WHOLE TIME?!? needless to say I was more baffled than furious... this was actually way late at night LOL, I just had to stop and move away from the computer... I went for a walk so I could absorb it all; I couldn't believe that all the fucking troubles they put me through were for nothing... I would be fucking pissed even right now, if it wasn't by the fact the outcome completely outlasted the situation* and there's no point on wasting feelings on that crap... so yeah, fuck them, but WOAH YAY xD

I'm finally FREE, I've no more financial debts... I've nothing to take care now but myself and my work! I can finally focus on getting my drawings done! For my clients, for my subs, for me >3< and that's... that's so fucking awesome! HOLY SHIT, IT FEELS SOOO GOOD to know the only thing I've to worry about is doing what I WANT/LIKE to DO!!!

*even if now both companies are sneaking on me like vultures through various contact means 'cuz solving this whole situation puts me on a "good credit reference" kind of look, whatever that means... I'm blocking them all, from e-mails to phonecalls, they can go to hell xD

~ Of Chill Workin', Maxin' & Relaxin' =3=!

Here's an updated round up my currently going plans! Take this as a continuation of all the points described fully in the last section of my previous journal, since the goals remain equal... albeith this time, with way more positive reasons and motivations to back them up ^^!

I'll take the upcoming months to properly complete past commissions, as much as balance it with some 'new' proyects that has been in development for a while with past/recurrent clients; so for the time being they will be 'CLOSED' ideally until said month; dealing with new clients can be stressful (october was a bit... filled with dissapointments there) and in the end I just wanna be careful while embracing the financial freedom I'll have from now on too ^^

I gotta give it to Pixiv LOL it has been a nice source of motivation, keeping track of my weekly posting input "in a row" turning the outcomes into a sort of game that hooked me into being productive, like a fun challenge xD

Thanks if you read this journal fully, AND BLESSED BE YOU ALL: CLIENTS, SUBSCRIBERS, FOLLOWERS, ETC... 'CUZ THIS IS A GOAL I WOULDN'T HAVE REACHED WITHOUT YOU, FREAKIN' THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH <333

STEADY NONETHELESS: MASKED POTENTIALS 2! / 03-07-2021

As you could tell from my last journal, June* was quite the lackluster month... few positives happened here and there, like getting the covid vaccine for once with pretty much no side effects (I'll finally be able to visit my family again in a few weeks, it has been more than half a year without doing so, damn), but after that whole banking ordeal (already with a solution in progress BTW), I would rather pretend it never happened... just like it felt for the most part anyway ^^u

So first: I don't want this writing to take me all morning, and second: I do hope this is the last journal I've to write for at least a few months... I wanna keep letting my works talk for me instead -show don't tell, they say-; but these also gimme clarity of mind, so for the sake of closure and reassurance with myself, as much as with you all too (not to mention I don't like that last one being the sour note on first display)... LET'S-A GO =D

FOR PROPER PLANNING INFO. JUST JUMP INTO THE NEXT SECTION =3

~ Dawn of The Dawg's Unmasked Layering D:

Ever since I started using my tablet, despite noticing and feeling the improvements that came with it like speed and flexibility, I've been conflicted about my coloring style and tools; the latest one from a set of skills I developed as a neccesity from working with paper and mouse, but one I grew to like it by the end. There's something about the blurred look of certain elements that I sense as "more alive", a satisfaction that full-on "crisp and sharp" lines and colors don't give me, 'cuz in RL nothing really is entirely isolated or "outlined", but at the same time my approach too drawing is cartoony and as such filled with outlines; so for a few weeks I devoted myself into experimenting with updating it, while also retaining a mix of what I liked from both (a difference you will see from July onward) and needless to say, I'm very very happy with the results!

But the big thing that came outta this, after years of quite-reluctant-yet-not-sure-if-blissful ignorance, was me FINALLY starting to use mask layers for coloring... and I make emphasis on 'finally' 'cuz in the words of a fellow when I told him originally: "how did you survive this long?" LOL; like, I was aware of them being a common tool, but faked comfort zone made me keep my distance I guess, silly me ^^u With this change I went from having dozens of layers, usually reserved for different parts of the coloring which I would shade all separatedly, into a single layer with the whole coloring and then a few mask ones specifically designated for the shadows and lightning, each as a whole; and wow, it fascinated me a lot how it helps to stay within lines so easily, while making my brush strokes more freely and dynamic! It also spares my computer from a lot of RAM and processor usage, something I clearly needed to keep streaming properly without crashing any of the softwares involved, while losing data in the process, anymore ^^!

~ Step by Step, Working Da Moves, Moving Da Works On!

Here's an updated round up my currently going plans, as much as the ways I think might be better to work with from now on, ways that I'm gonna put in practice to complement my recent output which has been -all previous situations considered so far- quite positive and better than expected since this year ^^!

Thanks if you read this journal fully, it was quite encouraging to write it... dawg out and back to work, cheers <333
*maybe dat Del Toro gal from TLKoE cursed me for passive-aggresively disliking her character LOL;