DRAWIN' JOURNAL!

(Peter's pain makes me laugh, yay humour coping ='D) I dunno how to process this anymore and/or if is the right thing to do, but it certainly feels like it. This has been affecting my work for months, so I gotta share it. Basically, while I tend to pride myself on always rolling with the punches life throws at me, I fell off the saddle again... and it has been a lowkey hellish experience -even when nothing seems to be exactly "on fire" around me, I can smell the burning from a mile away-; and that's not mentioning the realization of bad repeating patterns that I'm really sorry I ever put some of my clients through... not anymore =_=U Anyways, here we go...

Since I don't want those grim circumstances muddling expectations or making people think I'm fully dispairing, I decided to leave the concrete plans section written and highlighted above anything else, if you're willing to just read that for certainty ^^!

~ The Upfront Plans Moving Forward 💪✌️

Although in the past I had an internal way of organizing my Commissions' Pending List very broadly, last June I was finally able to sort it quite granularly in a personal notebook, by client, LVL Type and amount of orders. This way, even if new orders are taken, I won't lose track of any of them. I can't really change the current approach I've for them, although I'm still aiming for shorter orders and/or easier LVLs to be completed first ^^!

I also sorted my financial numbers long term (even considering the grim circumstances explained below ^^u) so I can open a fixed amount of commissions yearly in advance. Currently some LVL offerings are being shaken up weekly based on urgency (just as far as conveniently possible), but hopefully in the future things will be more stable slot-wise ^^!

Regarding Sub-sites, nothing changing there from my resolutions back in January... I'll just make sure to draw more often and consistently for us all ^^!

~ An F in the Chat for Fucked-Up Finances X_X

So as I mentioned way back in August of 2023, thanks to a lot of proper moves, planning around and support, I was able to nuke a big loan-aid debt I had for a previous-year investment that wasn't exactly sucessful; long story short, I was very relieved, ready to start only working on things, adjusting optimistically to the sub-sites I was happy with after leaving patreon, able to close commissions even... all going hunky dory and coming to a close! Even my love life, regardless of hiccups and struggles, felt like going through the same... but then unexpectedly I had to go through a break up that, for better or worse, hitted me like a truck X_x The whole thing sank me on a state of art-block (and depression maybe? I dunno... it sure felt like it) for a bunch of days. I told myself I was strong, that it would be over soon, I'm fineeee, I'm goood... and yes, thankfully that whole relationship thing eventually solved itself. In very unexpected ways yes, but you know... it solved itself, letting me be... you know, that whole closure thing by March/April of 2024 from the last journal, yay good ^^u

BUT... the reality since late September 2023 was seeing those dormant days turn into weeks, those weeks turn into months. Yet bills, taxes and rent had to get paid, and 'cuz I couldn't wait for my brain to react enough so the stress paralyzing me could go away -not to mention being too fucking prude to ask for help through the means I could've-, sigh... by December of 2023 I resorted to loans again, and I've had to do so in an annoyingly "consistent" manner until the beginning of this month even X_x Just... fuck me, bro LOL WTF is wrong with me? I always remind myself "crazyness is repeating the same mistakes expecting different results" and yet here I am =_=U

I'm gonna be fair with myself, though... and accept that in the middle of that shit sandwich, the current state of subscription-based sites since the beginning of this year hasn't been ideal and HIGHLY contributed to it too, 'cuz the waiting periods -not to mention minimal numbers- I'm required to agree with in order to withdraw my income, they've been extended WAY past any sort of comfort zone for me to rely on monthly X_x suddenly 7 days can turn into 14 days, if not MORE... just fuck, dude... even when there're perks to using those sites, fair... they end feeling outweighted, and that makes it hard to keep myself motivated and stress-free in the overall scheme of things =_=U

So, the current situation has culminated into this bullshit dynamic in where almost ALL of my monthly income, including the one coming from commissions, sinks into paying for these loans first even before I get any chance of paying my taxes (and I'm pretty sure that's gonna be it until the beginning of 2025, here's hoping not but ugh... you're welcome to call me stupid, I sure do sometimes... stupid me); but specially and most important: my rent; and thank fucking god that when pushes come to shove I've very understandable landlords, 'cuz at the time of writing this I'm like almost 3 months past due and I KNOW that if it was any other place... I would probably be on the streets by now (or going back to live with my parents if I'm real, but still) and that alone makes me realize how fucked up and far from ideal all this is LOL X_x

And look, I'm not sharing this for you people to feel sorry for me, please don't... In a way I think that would be shitty of me. But I just had to do so to relieve my brain and also put some context on my situation, 'cuz I've been feeling quite uneasy and probably using dissociation too much, like this is something I can escape from... no, I can't escape from it, I shouldn't have to escape from it, I just gotta DEAL with it. This is simply a problem that CAN and WILL be solved. The first step is admitting it, I did it to myself and now I'm doing it with y'all, there's that partial sense of failure when having to do so, but fuck it... I'm not a flawless being and there's only enough "bullets" I can keep "dodging" until what? until I fall into a mental breakdown over fucking money? no no, I know I'm better than that, that I can DO better than that... A plan has been formulated, and this is just one of its steps 💪

~ Commissioners: You're My Clients, Not My Problem Solvers 'n' I'm Sorry =_=U

If I've to give this shit situation a thankfull spin -although even that sounds... weird to expect from it-, is that it helped me realize a shitty pattern... and damn if I've been shitty myself for not realizing it sooner. In the past, whenever surprising hoops that I've had to jump through showed up, I tended to rely and communicate directly with specific clients instead of being public when needing money urgently, mostly 'cuz I was too prude to admit that I was going through emergencies myself; when I saw other artist open "emergency commissions" I understood the struggle, but I kept telling myself that doing that wasn't something I should do... that it would mean I failed my own goals. Low and behold, all these years later and my schedule and backlog is proof that I've failed myself big time... but those emergencies where all "in secret", so that way I could keep lying to myself... but I can't keep going on like that, 'cuz by doing so I keep failing everyone X_x

While not intentionally, I've been treating many clients in the past like they're monolites of disposable income I can go to, and that's just horrible. Yes, even being aware you're all just people like me, surviving and struggling... I kept reminding myself that, but I still did those bad thing outta desperation. When one of those client came back to me with a sense of guilt and that they "betrayed" me for what are MY OWN missdeeds, that's when I saw how shitty and outta hand the situation got. I told them they had nothing to apologize, after all I've been the one in the wrong, and now I'm telling y'all too. I'm really sorry for all those past situations where I acted like you were supposed to solve my problems, and I promess I won't do that anymore... if future struggles happen, I'm just gonna be open and direct with everyone. I'll do my best to make sure your trust in me pays off, a trust for which I'm always grateful <333

Well, here's hoping once more that the next journal sees me in a better situation overall; back to work I go, thanks a lot if you read it all, you're a trooper <333 Have a nice day y'all ^^!

I was originally writing this during the last day of the month, but I guess by the time I'm done it's gonna count as an April 1st thing, I know that's the Fool's day... feels weird timing for some reason, but where I live is celebrated on December 28th, so there's that *shrug* A n y w a y s... this is more of a contextual update rather than plannings, most of what I expressed in that regard on my previous journal still applies ^^

Still, the parts relevant enough about my work have been highlighted for those willing to read just that =3

~ The Wake-Up Call and going from 'Shitto' to Keto...

I've recounted it several times to many people, but to keep it short: February and March have been kind of a mess for my head and body, and the "proper" struggle on trying to get outta that mess. Summer here in Uruguay slapped us with a severe heatwave, I also went through an annoying art block (at times I even felt like I forgot how to draw geez wtf) and self-concious feelings about leaving the gym, my weight situation, and eating habits too. Partially I got to a certain heavy intake 'cuz of the gym, but once that aspect was paused (at least I hope to come back soon enough later) I was still "eating away" the stress of last year and letting myself go, and I knew I was doing it... you know, the good ol' placebo effect.

By that point my old scale has become my frenemy (not that it being an old dusty analogue one -that kept me half-guessing all the time- helped its case), so I just got rid of it... but then my over-eating got worse, my sleeping got worse, my mood got worse, everything just got fucking worse LOL; finally I got a new digital scale, something that's waaay more accurate... and to be honest the inital number I saw scared me, I was reaching the kind of obessity I left behind years ago... and I told myself hell no, fuck that, no fucking way, I'm not dealing with this again X_x

So yeah, if I wasn't gonna exercise no more (specially since the eliptic machine I bought a bit ago ended being defective, internally slanted, fuck my luck... it makes my leg motions uncomfortable as fuck and I don't wanna end hurting my weist or something, then again it wasn't brand new, lesson learnt) I had to radically change my eating. I recalled that keto was what worked for me the last time (I was able to even focus better on my work thanks to it) and dediced to resume it, but not before properly preparing for it, going through a low-carb eating period, stopping my caffeine intake and what not... 

By then I was already near the middle of March, and that's when something unexpected -yet honestly... quite welcome- happened... remember all that stress from the end of last year I kept mentioning? well, to keep it short, it was a breakup with my then boyfriend, and while I knew things were never going to be the same (I think probably for the better, many unflattering factors involved sadly triggered the whole situation) at least I though maybe a frienship could survive, but nope... after messaging him one day for what felt like a long while, since I was used to his busy schedule, I was just specifically requested to cut contact. My first though was: 'huh, mkay... that's fair, the last thing I wanna cause this person is trouble'; but the moment it happened, I realized I wasn't really sad anymore, nor resentful at all... I had my time to grief the whole thing, and apparently he had time to move on from me. Suddenly I had no more doubts or lingering expectations, there were no more "what ifs" spinning in my head... I felt a heavyness being lifted off myself, I felt relief... and while I'll always appreciate the good things from that relationship, even if when looking back it all feels like an unbelievable dream, at least now I can finally give myself some closure and move on mentally from it... my best wishes to you, dude <33

Damn wow, just writing it down reassures that feeling, haha ^^u Anyways, once I finally was deep into a few days of keto diet, I preffered to dive into an alternative-to-consecutive fasting for faster results. I did it for around a week, a bit of a struggle but certainly worth doing so. It feels like quite the cleansing to be honest, it has even helped me to focus properly on things and being more proactive and relaxed, I welcome that a lot ^^ Sadly though, a fast is not very sustainable when you've other responsabilities, specially when it comes to my job and finances... there's only so much time I can take off before things start to pile up again X_x So as of the writing of this journal I've gone back to keto, making sure I can fully get back into my artworks and commissions. It feels okay, I feel in control again, doing it for myself... and I'm just glad I didn't let any of the things spiral for the worse. Here's hoping the progress only gets better x3

~ WEBSITE: Of Revamps 'n' Payoffs <333

So, with all those previous things going around, a bit after the beginning of March I took the time to revamp much of this website and its sections, making things more reachable and clear for y'all ^^ But more specifically, I wanted to completely overhaul my Homepage and it was worth it ^^ Now it feels like a proper "main hub" for all my endevours, properly directing people to where all the action is at =D Then, an interesting discovery...

When I had to open commissions last month, I did so only announcing it through my main gallery sites and this website, totally skipping social media (not that I've many lol) and the reception was surprisingly equal, even done more directly through mail as I usually expect. It helped me realize I don't need them and I really appreciate that, specially now when NSFW artist are being screwed over all over the place in those (for reals, I feel like I keep dodging bullets when it comes to banning and/or suspensions, or thankfully avoiding monetization sites that just got fucking worse for adult content X_x). So apparently this place works just fine as a main contact source for y'all, and I'm truly happy about that since that was always the main goal =3

*LOL literally realizing as I'm about to post this, how it all occured exactly in the day that Shakespeare saying references... or maybe I was just striked by Denzel Crocker's groovy vibez, oh well... a good thing is a good thing, I'll take it.

Well, not much else to share for now to be honest... as usual, just keeping y'all on the loop ^^!
Thanks a lot for your appreciation and support, now let's get back to work =D

You know, by the end of 2023 I feel that life chewed me up good and spat me out all flavourless, like to see how far it could keep going with me... how rude of you, life LOL; anyways... for the most part this is a public recount of what I already explained to fellow subscribers and most clients, but making it extra public for the usual sake of transparency ^^!

The relevant parts about my work have been highlighted for the benefit of those willing to read just that =3

~ Life's a Bitch and Then You Keep Living...

Yeah, last year many things went quite oof, and while still better than what I was afraid of... the stings of pain from precious things that broke in the process still lurk around me; is like I'm still sorrounded by the ghost of thoughs related to people and situations that already took their course, even before I could exactly do anything more than just accept what was happening. I wish so many things went differently last year, but I can't live in the "would'ves" and "could'ves", right? I gotta move on to finally move on, and here I am, tired of expecting my silly brain to realize the many answers to stupidly repeated questions have already been given a long time ago. There's nothing else to do but cleaning up and picking up the pieces of my own mess... and it sounds extra dramatic once written, but it's an accurate destilation of the position that finally got me to sit down and express myself here ^^u

Anyways, I hope 2024 will be a year of success and fun, of further developments and joy ^^! My family visit for the holidays did me quite good, and I've already taken a pre-empted approach to many things I wanted to start fresh with, like my exercising (the gym I got into getting even more flexible hours and days in the week helped), my diet (fine carbs, you can come back in... but you better work for me instead lol) and sleeping schedules (hello night, I guess you're my friend for resting too). All that remains is to focus on my work... and I'm REALLY glad that I can still say my work remains as one of the great sources of joy in my life <3 BUT the enviroment online for artists have been rough, and that's sadly hard to ignore (specially in financial terms). So, in a more personal note with that... some plans, even though I really didn't want them to, need a slight retooling...

~ Changes in SUBSCRIPTIONS' Distribution 'n' Creative Process...

Settling down on SubscribeStar and FANBOX has been a good establishment for my creativity, yet the output ways I performed last year were still quite subpar, but I think is mostly 'cuz I was focusing on the wrong aspects of it, I need a good balance (specially if I wanna reduce the resolutions explained on the next section to a minimum for the sake of my backlog) to properly keep myself afloat. So from now on things will be as follows:

As I've been doing since last year, completed non-private commissions will continue to be released early to subscribers for around a whole month before hitting the public,

While the rest of my works -regardless of content- will be exclusively granted to subscribers for extended periods of time, around and/or up to a whole year;

Also I'm gonna take a simpler coloring approach to all my other non-commissioned works (mostly fanarts, and specifically speaking: the shading*) since I wanna be able to produce more in less time;

*it doesn't mean I'm gonna make everything "flat colored" from now on, but with a simpler "cel-shaded" look -best example I was given: The Simpsons show vs The Simpsons Movie shading lol-, and of course always depending on the source material, in order for the best vibe to hit, because stupid sexy muscles and certain details always need shading to feel wowzers in erotic works anyway x3 If anything, the best way to complement these changes in shading will be doing almost-always full on backgrounds =3

~ COMMISSIONS: Backlog Still The Focus... But Monthly Slots Will Open Up;

I feel partially quite bad about having to take this decision ^^u but subscriptions, as welcome as they're, still form quite a gamble that doesn't fully pay the bills, unless aided by monthly commissions ^^u I mean, it was more or less the situation during the remaining months of 2023 after I decided to close "permanently" once my debt was solved ^^u

I'll be opening slots again this year BUT I'll make sure to do it on a very controlled and properly scheduled manner in relation to my backlog. I'm thinking a maximum of 2 to 3 as much each time. Ideally I'll open them biweekly on weekends (could be more often, could be less often, that will always depend on how the numbers do each month) and only LVLs Gamma and/or Delta. The usual conditions will apply, more specific details will be given on the announcements each time, since character and/or topical-focus discounts could be involved too.

BTW is worth mentioning that the changes on my creative process described on the previous section WON'T AFFECT previous/current and/or future arranged commissions for the time being and until further notice, 'cuz I intent to keep that final look going on consistently until full clearance is reached ^^

Anyways, that is all for now, folks! I wanted to keep on you the loop of things as usual, once more here's to a productive 2024 full of good things for us all ^^!

 Thanks a lot for your appreciation and support =3

Dammit, I've lost count of how many times I tried/started and/or restarted writing this one since real life -and some tiny sort of toons <333- kept getting in the way or just plain changing the mood and vibez of what I wanted to say ^^u

The relevant parts about my work have been highlighted for the benefit of those willing to read just that =3 

~ Let's Go to The Point, Dawgs...

It feels like a lot went on since the last time I wrote y'all back in April, all so fast yet so slow, so similar yet so different, all happening in scary yet... comforting ways ^^u But to be honest, I don't wanna dwell into ALL of it... actions speak better than words, I love being proactive whenever situations get in my way... this is no different x3

I think that I only need/wanna share just enough to reassure those that invested in me as an artist. Am I being pointlessly selfconcious now? isn't that as much as I've always shared? well, probably... Maybe it just means that everything has pretty much calmed down since then, not exactly in the ways I expected, but still more than good enough to simply bring me back the power I had to deal with it, and let my work be the reflection of it all ^^ 

The most important development: last month I nuked a debt I had from a big investment I did back near the end of 2022. It was a bit of a gamble on the first place, but I think some risks are better taken rather than sinking in doubts. I had to take several turns on the road to achieve this, which where mostly possible through the help of my clients/supporters, so thank y'all very VERY VERY much! It all happened at the same time I was getting acquainted with SubscribeStar's banking options (way easier than I though) and adjusting myself with Fanbox's new ways (not as easy but still fine) too. So NOW that it's all over and done, I'm just happy and relieved, with a new sense of direction (and really-much-needed new glasses LOL) and ready to focus on what feels like the next chapter of my solo career xP So, what will be the dealio from now on?

~ COMMISSIONS Will Remain CLOSED Until Backlog Gets DONE!

Being fresh off that debt made me rethink this one a lot, but I'll stick to it, since now I can truly commit with no distractions. The special discount I opened last August was a huge part of what solved my debt and also the start of this commitment, and I know I can pull it off! All things will be done or I'll stop calling myself slashweilerdog, dammit!

EDIT 22/09/23: The STATUS/PENDINGS list has been finally updated with more detailed info. regarding the specific amount of commissions for all clients, since I know I won't be adding more to it ^^! It's VERY likely that I'll focus on clients based on quantity, going from those with little orders and then progressing into those with bigger ones. Nonetheless -and this is very important- I still won't be exactly planning when I'll work 'on this or that commision' since is still hard to predict it fully. If anything I recommend you ALWAYS check my STATUS/PENDINGS page before asking me anything that might be already described there ^^!

Availibility and/or time zone differences are always meddling things, and I really dislike making people wait 'live' for me, since we both end stressed and/or hyped/dissapointed for no reason. Plus in the past I tended to sacrify my sleeping for the sake of rushing through things, but I won't be doing that anymore. Just 'cuz I thankfully can be really flexible with my time, doesn't mean I need to demolish my schedule and suffer through it to succeed ^^u

~ Exclusive Comics coming to SUBSCRIPTION-SITES!

A while ago I remember reading somewhere that is better to get out the ideas you want while you still can, rather than wasting time waiting for 'the right moment' or always aiming for 'perfection' to consider them 'truly' done. That you can have them realized and be glad you did. That if later you wanna revisit them to fix them up, you can. 'Cuz nothing is truly final until you say it is =3 And as I look in the mirror at the white hairs growing on my beard and moustache, I realize... I'm not getting any younger, and that I've been doing exactly the detrimental parts of that statement X_x OOF, no more baby!

Starting this month I'll also work on fun lewd comics for the sake of doing them, just having stupid sexy fun regardless of the final look of it... they could be sketchy ones, they could be colored ones -probably flat as much for now LOL-; I might actually write stories and work from that, maybe I'll just randomly start at specific scene ideas and panels... and then working backwards and/or forward to make a narrative... maybe chapters, maybe one-shot wonders, who knows! What I DO know for SURE is that I wanna have fun and share it too!

And since I started building up precious workload through my Subscription Sites, I've been able to see the potential freedom they can give me in many ways! SPECIALLY considering the road to completion of my commissions' backlog will be part of that big time, and I won't feel like I'm having to choose one for the other... since all with count as progress =D

And by the end of the day it will all be for the stupid sexy entertaining benefit of both of y'all supporters and me ^^!

~ Addendum: A Seemingly-Unrelated Yet Welcome Looney Blessing...

You know, as I was going through the motions these past weeks, Tiny Toons Looniversity, the Tiny Toon Adventures reboot, premiered... and well, let me tell ya: TTA is a very dear show to me, even though I discovered it yeeears after it started. It was the first one I truly embraced as a kid, the first one I enjoyed with a level of awareness I didn't have for others before. They were the first video game I truly owned as a gift from my dad. The first proper cartoony drawings I ever did that didn't look like lame stick figures... were rabbits! And well... Arnold the Pitbull was my first cartoon furry LOL crush xP The point being, it's very important to me and among many other things, a big part of what inspired me to do what I do today ^^

Looniversity, in many ways... couldn't have arrived at a better time. In a sea of cynicism, that I admit I tend to make myself part of, here comes this new take... friends discovering themselves, learning about their strenghts and weaknesses. A really feel good show delightfully wrapped in the cartoon wackyness I adore, but still able to be full of heart... and I'm not sure if it's nostalgia, since the take is quite different ugh, people doesn't shuddup about Buster and Babs' relation now LOL, and a literal ground-zero reboot, but it just made me feel inspired again... understood and seen.

Weird, huh... is like it came back to me full circle when I most needed it, telling me how it's okay to get off my comfort zone, that things and relationships might change and/or evolve in different ways, that is no reason to feel dispair... that failing is okay, that you can get back up, that you can ask for help <333 I know, those things could have reached me through many other places -and they've-, but it still resonated with me a lot =3 If I was a kid today I know I would be loving it too!

It boosted my vibez these days, and for that I'm very grateful... Give it a watch sometime, I hope it boost you too =D

And that's all for now, folks! Thanks for reading through it all if you did, hopefully next time it will be to celebrate moving closer into completing my backlog, or having right away nuked it properly!

I dunno exactly how to feel anymore about sharing my turmoil nor how much of it I should share, but it affected and keeps affecting my life and workload specially, so... is fair up to some degree to make it known to y'all ^^u 

~ The Good Barks 'n' Recreations...

Well, there's no way around it, as far as planned vacations go... this one was quite awesome! It was a fun time with a cool friendo and my best boyo <333 Just lovely relaxing periods in the outside, rediscovering my own city in many ways, disconnecting from the stress of work (as much as I could/wanted to... which I'm quite glad) and the main reason to gather -The Stupid-Sexy-Gamin'-Ape Movie ft. some Plumber Bros LOL- turned out to be one of the most chilling, amusingly awesome and vibrant feel-good experiences ever on the big screen, in more ways than one! Topped off with a delightful culinary experience at a place we jokingly-hyped so much during the whole week, that it would have been ridiculous not to do so x'D! So yeah, good times all around, precious moments I'm glad I was a part of <333

~ The Bad Growls, Bites 'n' Frustations...

Sadly, the other truth is... I really understimated how much the whole mugging situation affected me internally, it remained being like a big pile of crap that took over me and just... scared me something aweful. It made me fear and doubt things I KNOW I shouldn't have at all. After what I recently managed to describe only as a sort of emotional "flat-linining" (basically all that I explained in the previous addendum) going on, this past week I ended taking that conflict into places that also affected those around me. I was constantly fighting it and trying to keep it together to preserve things all good for the sake of our vacation; and while nothing was as bad as to ruin the whole thing, in many ways I ended putting them in undeserved positions of discomfort that I deeply regret, and honestly made me feel quite fucking OOF inside X_x

What felt the worst of all is that... it didn't have to be that way at all if I just managed to be more open and honest about how I was feeling, not only with everyone around me but specially with myself first. Yes, granted these were all things I was helped to realize by the end of it. I guess I just didn't know what the fuck was going on with me at the moment until it was too fucking late X_x 

~ The No-Way-Around-It...

The conclusion is one I've been tinkering with for a while even before all this: I really need some therapy. I like doing introspection and wondering on the ways I work, I know I'm not fragile person, I always tell myself I'm the master of my own domain yeah... but I'm not invincible. I can't put a blind eye anymore to the many things that I just can't handle, or that I though I did for a while, but they've morphed enough into stuff I just dunno how to anymore. And the close people you deeply care and count with can only do so much before you accept you need professional help, at least... that's what I can say about my case. I feel no shame on admitting it, but I do feel a little guilt I left things (aside of outside forces interfering) get outta hand, affecting and hurting them too =_=U

~ ...Yet The Show Must Go On ^^u

There's a general financial aspect that has had me delaying doing therapy so far, and as well as things were going for the most part, it just wasn't part of my priorities. But it's all a matter of organizing myself around it and making it a priority, as much as I've done with several other aspects and/or things hitting me around in life in order to reach my goals ^^u I'll keep working as "normal" as I can since I just have to, and I hope at least these discoveries keep shapping my decisions for the better <333 Details on how I'll proceed with commissions and/or personal works will remain being shared/updated on their respective places through this website and the many public spaces I share my works through ^^

Thanks once again if you went along reading all this ^^! These journals keep helping me sort out my trains of thoughs in ways I keep valuing more and more each time, until the next one.. hopefully with even better outcomes =3 

An update on the happenings of last week and the next; this whole thing has been so annoyingly stressful, and my sickness have had me taking several breaks before finally publishing it, dammit X_X anyways... 

~ Art-Blocked 'n' Literally Sick of It X_x

For the past week or so I've not been able to work on anything no matter how much I try to get in the zone, I just end feeling tired, angry and sick. I either get headaches or cold sweats, I can't sleep properly whenever I want to, I just fucking hate it X_x I keep telling myself the situation that happened probably affected me deeper than I think? I though I was over it, I though I managed to rationalize it like it was no biggie, but maybe I've not had the time to actually process it and is manifesting through all this crap??? I dunno, I just... I feel so bad, so sorry and so impotent. I wish I could have delayed my parents' visit travel into next month or something, I dunno... I can't change what happened, I know. I hate these instances 'cuz I wanted to do so many things the moment I got back from my visit, I was going through a very good lap before all this. Hell, these past weeks I wasn't really relaxing, but rather just guilt tripping myself for not finishing and/or starting anything like an endless loop. I dunno what the fuck is going on, but today I told myself... enough guilt tripping, dammit! 

~ A Break With a Monkey 'n' Some Plumbers, I Guess...

So what also was having me on hold and aiding to this mental persecution is that these next couple of weeks a friend from Argentina will be visiting me, and is a trip that we've been planning for months in advance, secured right before the whole muggin instance happened to me, and with how differently I expected things to play out, cancelation was always out of the question. The main reason for it is to share the premiere of the stupid sexy monkey movie ft. some plumbers LOL -but yeah really, I've been lookin' up to this thing for a while, specially since Donkey Kong's presence keeps getting more relevant and just fucking delicious-, but also it's like a planned vacation that originally wouldn't have disrupted my workload and schedule, since is a rarity for me to plan relaxation in advance.

Anyways, all things considered, I'm not sure if I'm gonna be at home again or at all during most of it and/or if I'm gonna be carrying around my drawing tablet with me. If I do so I'll be sketching here and there to not get rusty and at least cope with the possibilities, allowing myself to express some stuff. But ideally I won't be doing anything commission-related until the whole trip duration is over, which will be around April 10th, then pretty sure that week I might be opening a few slots the weekend after that to recoup some momentum, but I'll see how things play out closer to that date ^^u Biggest consolation for now is my arm is pretty much fully healed with no signs of long-term damage, so that's pretty awesome ^^

All in all I can't let circumstances stop me and let me feel defeated. I just keep finding it hard to communicate that with clients/followers without using too much words, or just doing it at all... Anyways, I hope you all get a chance to relax during easter week too ^^!