DRAWIN' JOURNAL!

Goddammit, It just couldn't be, huh? I couldn't just have a "last journal" where I could just focus on work and come back telling YAY I'm done! *sigh* maybe I should just stop calling them that LOL, anyways... I'm not gonna be negative. And for starters, I'm very aware this will read weird for some after I made such a big deal about closing commissions... but oh well, I can't blindly fight what reality throws at me, all I can do is handle my reactions and see what moves I can make next... So yeah, this is gonna be just an addendum to my previous journal 'cuz I wanna keep things short and sweet ^^u The one key word here, well two of them actually, are: STUPID BANKS >_<

AS PER USUAL, FOR RESUMED LONG-TERM PLANNED UPDATES,
CHECK THE BOLDED PARAGRAPHS BELOW ^^!

~ BANK TIMINGS ARE GARBAGE... AND HERE'S WHY ¬_¬U

But you already knew that. It has been happening whenever I wanna access my money from SubscribeStar and FANBOX (the latter has a 12hrs difference on top yay, ugh). Of the seven days in a week... I can only do transactions for five, and I better make damn sure is within their 'open hours' and/or 'weekdays', anything other than that and the waiting periods become longer and longer X_x THAT has been my situation for the last almost three months. I though it was gonna be manageable even understanding those conditions, but nope. The worst part is knowing that my money is around in some digital limbo, but being unable to do anything other than wait...

Not to mention the waiting gets too long sometimes, making me run out of essentials like food and/or juggling around paying bills in a delayed fashion... hell, I've barely been able to move the needle on those remaining debts I've, no matter how much I keep planning around... and they keep piling up (it's a very fucked up system I've a lot of grievances with ¬_¬ but whatever). Thankfully I'm not alone with this and a good friend has been helping me, but he can't control those outcomes nor should I expect him to anyway. And of course, spending most of the weeks stressing over all this crap no matter how much level-headed awareness I can muster, completely drains my energy and focus for drawings =_=U

So, since these things have not shown any sign of changing and actually are only getting worse (whatever card companies responsible only keep adding fees to NSFW purchases on sub-sites, expecting us all to gobble them), and even though I'm really glad I decided to stick around with one allowing artistic freedom, I've no other option but to re-open commissions again to balance the weight out. Many of the outlets (like debit cards, etc) I require to avoid and/or resolve my bank-timing/debt problems already mentioned can only move forward if doing so =_=

HOWEVER, I've gained enough hindsight with all these past experiences and this time I'll be WAY more controlled with slots, 'cuz while I really want things to move forward... I won't repeat the same mistakes from before.

OVERALL COMMISSIONS' PLANS:

So once more, given the updated circumstances explained above, and after sorting my backlog for good last year. I'll be opening 1 new slot at least every 3 to 4 old ones from it are completed. The new slot will be announced for a whole day on all my galleries and social media sites, and once I accept it I'll immediately close again. I'll complete it, then continue with at least 3 to 4 old ones again, then repeat the process whenever possible and/or necessary. Depending on the outcomes each time, I might focus on finishing a bigger number of backlog commissions before reopening new ones ^^

Prices have been updated this month (non-retroactively of course, so clients with already taken slots before, don't worry) and a new LVL called BETA+ has been created, which is a more affordable version of LVL GAMMA. Initially BETA+ will be the one truly open for everyone, while all the other LVLs -until further notice- will be open for recurrent clients only. You will all the details on the Commissions' section of this site soon enough ^^

My working and contact methods will remain as before: I’ll be writing clients first whenever I’ve anything substantial to provide. There’s no specific priorities, and outside of each single "new" slots taken during this period each time, I’ll continue to focus on older ones from my backlog on a case by case convenience-basis ^^

I really hope this plan works, and here’s to completing them all soon!

OVERALL SUBSCRIPTION WORKS' PLANS:

While I still wanna focus on the same kind of topics for artworks that I mentioned the last time, in the other hand, I decided to lower overall tier prices back to 5 USD -aka around 750 JPY- for everyone this month. Last time I did the increase to 7.5 was 'cuz I though everything would be different and worth it, but reality shown me otherwise and frankly I don't think you should have to pay extra for all the troubles.

I still wanna be able to submit something ‘almost-daily’ compared to before, but that has proven tricky… maybe I'll just go back to post whatever I complete instead of scheduling, even if more than one drawing per day... the sure thing remains that I don’t wanna fall into those pitfalls of inactivity anymore ^^u Again, here’s to a lot more fun works!

Hooray, managed to keep this one on the point LOL and thanks again for reading ^^
Happy Pride month to everyone by the way, be gay but don't do crimes D: xD

Oh boy it’s been a while, huh? And of course, the moment I wanna start and be done with this asap, my brain starts pick-pocketing around various other drawings and tasks for days… ugh, I hate when that happens ¬_¬u Anyways, here we’re again… and I hope this turns out to be the only “big update” I write, at least until I get to be done with all the things I want to by the end of 2025. I don’t want any more surprises or twists, mkaaay? unless it’s something so radically awesome and welcome I simply can’t refuse it… like "Coyote vs ACME" being spared from the void by *Condiment Inc.* or The Simpsons being renewed up to season 40 (like holy shit even knowing the rumors that made me smile) :V

AS PER USUAL, FOR RESUMED LONG-TERM PLANNED UPDATES,
CHECK THE BOLDED PARAGRAPHS BELOW ^^!

Since November of last year, things have gone… quite awright, bumpy rides but nothing derailing. Nonetheless, while I desperately wanted to set on calm ways for good… some crucial changes were required first; some came naturally, others were unexpectedly convenient outcomes… but either way, I took what I could handle to make the most of it all…

~ Dental Plaaan! Slashy needs Ethernet =D

One of the first things I wanted to get over with once the year started was to take care of my teeth, mainly a cavity I had in one of my molars that was extra painful and beyond recovery, although I wouldn’t find out about the latter until I arranged a proper medical visit mid January. The resolution was kinda amusing… The first few dentists I visited couldn’t appoint me until February, and financially speaking –aka the reason I kept neglecting to do it for years- I already knew I had to go the extra mile to AT LEAST have it all done smoothly. While I was ready to deal with the pain for a whole month, the solution came -of all places- from the gym I was still going at the time: one of the owner’s knew a doctor, and she provided discounts to those attending it… funny enough, my discomfort at the moment was what called attention to it, and by the time I got an appointment with her, the pain decided to go away… as if it knew I was finally dealing with the problem ¬_¬  Like geez, sometimes luck strikes me in such ways, that I wonder if reality enjoys keeping me on the verge of despair to appreciate it more or something ^^u

So, I took the chance and did the whole procedure as fast as I could in one day, that whole morning was a mix of fear and relief. A few anesthetic applications here, some cleansing and maintenance there… until finally the molar was removed smoothly =’D and holy crap that thing was SO far GONE; it looked like a melted and burnt deformed candy corn! Thankfully the recovery went super well and with zero complications whatsoever, something I welcomed a lot since I was in the middle of an unbearable summer heat wave . -. Needless to say, I’ve taken way better care of my teeth since then, not that I didn’t do it before… but I was being certainly less responsible than I should have been ^^u Oh, there’s also the discovery that one of my canines –which I thought was far gone years ago and/or never grew- just happens to remain hidden somewhere in my gums, but… I guess that will be a story/development for whenever I’m ready to deal with it =’D

The second thing I told myself I wanted to take care of this year was my internet connection. Ever since I moved into where I live currently, I relied on the place’s WiFi for my work, but it was never ideal ^^u Whenever it wasn’t the many cats living around the place knocking the router device off the wall –not to mention the ISP refusing to replace it “as long as the green light keeps coming, ‘cuz it means is fine” whenever they visited to check on it-  and cutting the connection in the middle of the evening/night/early-morning, it was the people living in the room the device was in –which used to be the landlords’ originally- suddenly closing it, disabling any chance of signal… eventually they moved it upstairs, but that just made everything worse =_=U

There was not much room to complain about it, since access to it was never a given nor part of my payment deal… I just took it for granted ‘cuz no one there gave me troubles for using it, and I guess being the only one around who knew how to fix it when the software worked badly added to the trust too ^^u So the moment I could, I resolved to get my own router device and started paying for it separately myself. It’s another expense outside of rent to consider from now on, but it’s a necessary tool that covers beyond what I need to function work-wise, and it feels great to be in control of it more than ever before ^^

~ Back on the Special K, but not the Cereal...

Another change that happened around November last year was my commitment to keto, although this time like an actual regime/life-style-change to stick around with for good, never looking back. After reconnecting with an old friend from my attempted-college days, who wrote me wondering if I was still following such diet -since he remembered my results going through it in 2018-, his curiosity was enough to re-spark my own about the whole thing. And that’s how -among other things on the subject- I stumbled upon the videos provided by Dr. Bayter online, who talked about the real reasons to follow it beyond ‘just a diet’ and the real benefits of sticking to the commitment. While I was aware of the problems caused by carbs and sugar, I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole of lies from companies and other entities to cover them really went, specially on stuff like cholesterol, salt, fats and many other things. I never realized how truly important is to be mindful of what we put in our bodies. Overall, I would really recommend y’all to research further on this if you’re curious enough ^^

Needless to say I’ve been feeling way better since all those months ago. I never expected such a radical change in my habits to happen, but I mean… after LIVING through the motions with so many foods and things I previously adored to consume as –even if conscious- placebos, yet now seeing how much they were actually affecting and destroying me, fuck… it feels like a wake up call that I finally responded. Things I thought I could "never live without" 'cuz of the provided pleasure and fake sense of “comfort” now just… kinda repulse me, and I’m glad I left them outta my life for good =3 And believe me, I’ve tried so many things before that lead me to nowhere, but this time… this time I can feel the result every single day. And I think the main difference is that now, I don’t see losing weight as the goal anymore, but just a natural thing that happens. My main goal is mental health… and I’ve not enough words to explain you how much it has benefited me there =3 

~ It puts the Routine on the Schedule, or else it gets the Loan again ¬_¬

So overall the year has started pretty nicely in comparison to 2024, and while is not entirely perfect and there's a lot of things that remain to be solved, there’s only so many ways you can react to the unexpected, before you realize is not worth it anymore. And I feel reality -and the previously mentioned big help from some friends- keep showing me that’s the right thing to do; I still take the advice of ‘holding on to the things you can control’ to heart and… funnily enough, lately and in very specific ways, it has worked out for me…

First one happened last month, when my landlords asked me if I could just move back into paying regularly again regardless of my previous debt, which from now on they’ll let me cover on top of those… and honestly I welcomed this, ‘cuz it provided me a sense of “planning” I was missing. As I’ve explained before, they’re very reasonable laid-back people, but sometimes that disturbs more than it helps ^^u Now I feel there’s something basic I can stick to monthly –yeah, as it should normally go I guess-, while before I felt I had to wait for my numbers to be good each time to provide something substantial, an approach that by end was very detrimental in the long run ^^u Granted, given my situation with other financial debts* and everything, this proposal is beyond reasonable… theirs overall has always felt that way; even more so knowing they offered this as an alternative to avoid increasing my rent. I honestly take it as a win ^^

And the second one happened a few days ago at the gym I mentioned. After paying my whole dental procedure -and other previous commitments, like my vacation trip to Argentina, etc- I was pretty dried out –both time and money wise- and by the end of March I still couldn’t go back as I wanted to. I told myself I would do so a few months later in the year -once things got cleared up more- but regardless of that, I needed to be communicative with my trainer about it and not just disappear until then, especially since I got to solve my dental problem thanks to him. When I arrived there to explain my situation, hoping to at least be told not to worry about it and “we shall see you then” or something like that, my trainer insisted instead that I could continue going, even if I had to pay less for a few months just so I could keep the steadiness of a gym routine. I was honestly very surprised, since I never encountered a gym offering me such a possibility before. All this said, I’ll gladly take this chance in the next few weeks ^^

*these are the same debts that by now I’ve just placed in the back-burner ‘cuz I know they will be solved for good by the end of this year. Sure, in a way they depend on tricky factors given my job, but that has always been the case -specially with the fluctuating nature of the internet services related to finances and what not, -not to mention other things going on in the world right now- and frankly I prefer to stay optimistic regardless. And by now I just make sure to always have a Plan B, C and even D if necessary ^^u

So all of these chances considered, there’s only one thing I truly want from now on: a modest sense of tranquility and routine. I just wanna spend my days for a while in a sort of basic auto-mode, with no surprises whatsoever. I wanna be able to focus mainly on my artistic endeavors and nothing else. Always working towards recovering of course, but with a steady hand firmly focused on my self expression and completion of all my pendings ^^!

OVERALL COMMISSIONS' PLANS:

Given the circumstances explained above, and after sorting my backlog for good last year helped me to have a clear view of everything I owe, I decided to close commissions for good until I’m done with them all. Ideally I wanna reach such completion before 2025 ends, but I dunno if that’s exactly how it’s gonna go, time will tell. My working and contact methods will remain as before: I’ll be writing clients first whenever I’ve anything substantial to provide. There’s no specific priorities, and I’ll continue to focus on them on a case by case convenience-basis ^^

Also keep in mind, since I won’t be counting with extra income from them presently, I’ll have to prioritize my subscription works a bit more –even though commissions are-part-of and aid those monthly goals in a way-, so you will probably notice way more activity towards them in comparison ^^u Here’s to completing them all soon!

OVERALL SUBSCRIPTION WORKS' PLANS:

Last month I revamped my approach and organization of them into further ‘LOGS’ to cover more ground, to be more dynamic and quantity-focused with the artworks I create. I wanna give people a bit more bang for their bucks, but without sacrificing my own enjoyment ^^u Also while I’ve been working a bit heavily towards fanarts, since in these times they’ve been a quite welcome ‘comfort zone’, the interest people have in my SDOriginal characters have not gone unnoticed and I hope to do more with them too –specially the Slashy Dawg Bros- ^^! 

Ideally I wanna be able to submit something ‘almost-daily’ compared to before, but again I dunno how that’s gonna go and time will tell… the sure thing is that I don’t wanna fall into those pitfalls of inactivity anymore ^^u here’s to a lot more fun works!

As usual, thanks for reading ^^
This one was actually written using good ol' MS Word 2003,
under the vigilant watch of Rocky... awww how I missed the little fellow x3

Wait, wait... I promise, this one is full of good vibes! When I say I'm done, I'm talking about my financial situation and all the entities surrounding it, and when I say thank y'all I'm not being sarcastic, not at all... I really, REALLY mean it =3 This journal is mostly a little contextual addendum regarding the conflicts that surrounded me for the last couple of months;

IF YOU JUST CRAVE SIMPLE PLANNING UPDATES FOR THE FUTURE, HERE THEY'RE:

• OVERALL COMMISSIONS' PLANS:
  Nothing much will change since my last resolution, which was to keep them still OPEN until December; sorting my backlog for good helped me a lot and everything is clearer now. My working method remains equal on writing clients myself first, as much as prioritizing on a case by case convenience-basis; HOWEVER given the add. circumstances described further below, I decided is prudent to keep slots available ONLY for recurrent clients again until further notice, effective immediately after posting of this journal ^^

• SUBSCRIPTION WORKS PLANS:
  Same output and distribution as before, I'm aiming to be a bit more interactive with polls on certain aspects, as much as more proactive with my process live-streams, but that's pretty much it ^^

Anyways, I feel is fair to be public about the rest of my situation again -even if the damn roller coaster NEVER EVER fucking stops-, since at least there's another grasping sense of 'normalcy' to back me up this time =D

A lot of self-reflection and strategizing have happened to me since the last couple of months, and it has been possible after I reached what felt like my lowest point ever, and decided to open up to some close friends and the supporters in my discord server about it all... Suddenly a dark tunnel of constant bureaucracy and contraptions seemingly done to keep me down, even if at first looked like problems I mainly blamed on myself only, became clearer with the light of shared experiences, accelerating me into a way "out" full of hope and assistance... no longer clouded by a lack-of-control fog, yet brightened up by people with faith in me ^^!

~ It's Been a Hole Dig By The System, Yet Dug Out By Friends <3

Basically, in-between the constant payout-delays from SubStar to my bank (turning days into weeks and what not) and paying the loans I was partially forced to take, the due-dates for my taxes reached a closure-point for the independent company I had to register for said purposes a few years ago. Considering the main card I used was also the one for many of the original loan payments, I was really scared that it would all pile-up into me being unable to receive money at all, like trapped in a feedback loop of debt and interests. Thankfully, while sorting other paper-works to ensure that not being the case, I discovered the previous bank card I had to ditch years ago 'cuz of it no longer working with paypal, suddenly worked with them again! This opened an alternative for me, although at the time I was still blinded by the pressure of paying those loans first and foremost X_x

Nonetheless, after feeling rather desperate and hopeless (not that they don't help, but I was about to cut myself short with further emergency commissions again... like, beyond what would be decently acceptable even for me X_x), pouring it all out to my fellow supporters on discord, they helped me realize I was prioritizing wrongly, they helped me understand I had to redirect my attention to the things I could actually handle, to put myself first, and not to worry about the rest at all... since that was beyond anything I could do other than playing the waiting game with said companies . -.

The first relief came when I was equally honest about the situation with my landlords, they were very comprehensive about the whole thing, and ensured me that as long as I kept proper track about what I was paying, that there would be no problem, 'cuz they knew it wasn't my fault or intention. During this whole ordeal with financial matters, it was the first time I felt actually understood and seen as a human since this mess started (which is as lovely as it is fucking sad ^^u).

When it came to the loans specifically, once I found out proper info. about their due-dates and interests, it all revealed... rather manageable consequences. In short: they would simply put me on a list deeming me "not worthy" of receiving more loans... which is funny 'cuz is not something I really wanted to do in the first place. Believing they were my only hope was what dug me in this fucking mess ^^u This is the thing I felt "done" with once discovered, I stopped feeling an urgency about it, I know I'm going to pay them... so those extra charges 'cuz of not directly following their rules (not that the delay in withdraws THEY are partially causing helps at all) simply felt... outside of my control, and I would take them as they came, gradually paying them off until getting rid of them eventually. Time will heal those wounds lol x3

As I was getting used to these future consequences, accepting and proceeding with these new plans, I managed to reopen my company's status and got current with my taxes. The same with the partial payments to my landlords, although still a bit far from getting current with them yet (but fingers crossed to solve that soon too) ^^u Then, on top of that... another unexpectedly yet welcome positive: a couple of friends offered to assist me financially, beyond simply transactional compromises, so I could move out of this dilemma faster. Honestly... it felt a little weird, like I'm not worthy of it. Or maybe lately I've expected only bad things happening to me, regardless... a lifesaver is a lifesaver, and I welcomed it with open arms. I can't thank you enough for this chance, you know who you're guys, really... thanks <333

Sadly, 'cuz of the scheming involved within all these companies, even if I wanted to accelerate the process, certain proper regulations forbid me from doing so... but at least NOW I feel like I've a fair safety net a la "plan B" to fall back to. I feel I can finally play my cards properly around all this fiasco, and I'm gonna make sure their efforts are worth the while ^^! Needless to say, with this new overall mindset, the FIRST thing I made sure to always have is a little amount of money to cover all my basic needs no matter what, that way I wouldn't feel the pressure of survival, and in consequence I would be able to focus better into solving the most relevant things, like for example: FINALLY ensuring me a proper ethernet internet connection 💪 and of course... getting back into my groove for drawing! Fuck everything else🤘

I'm happy I could finish this one with a positive note.
I was gonna use a proper pun with a new banner I made for it all, but while good...
the current outcome feels rather just "cautiously optimistic" ^^u

I will save that pun for when things are solved and I can TRULY savor it LOL;
Thank you all for reading, and have a wonderful day =3

(Peter's pain makes me laugh, yay humour coping ='D) I dunno how to process this anymore and/or if is the right thing to do, but it certainly feels like it. This has been affecting my work for months, so I gotta share it. Basically, while I tend to pride myself on always rolling with the punches life throws at me, I fell off the saddle again... and it has been a lowkey hellish experience -even when nothing seems to be exactly "on fire" around me, I can smell the burning from a mile away-; and that's not mentioning the realization of bad repeating patterns that I'm really sorry I ever put some of my clients through... not anymore =_=U Anyways, here we go...

Since I don't want those grim circumstances muddling expectations or making people think I'm fully dispairing, I decided to leave the concrete plans section written and highlighted above anything else, if you're willing to just read that for certainty ^^!

~ The Upfront Plans Moving Forward 💪✌️

Although in the past I had an internal way of organizing my Commissions' Pending List very broadly, last June I was finally able to sort it quite granularly in a personal notebook, by client, LVL Type and amount of orders. This way, even if new orders are taken, I won't lose track of any of them. I can't really change the current approach I've for them, although I'm still aiming for shorter orders and/or easier LVLs to be completed first ^^!

I also sorted my financial numbers long term (even considering the grim circumstances explained below ^^u) so I can open a fixed amount of commissions yearly in advance. Currently some LVL offerings are being shaken up weekly based on urgency (just as far as conveniently possible), but hopefully in the future things will be more stable slot-wise ^^!

Regarding Sub-sites, nothing changing there from my resolutions back in January... I'll just make sure to draw more often and consistently for us all ^^!

~ An F in the Chat for Fucked-Up Finances X_X

So as I mentioned way back in August of 2023, thanks to a lot of proper moves, planning around and support, I was able to nuke a big loan-aid debt I had for a previous-year investment that wasn't exactly sucessful; long story short, I was very relieved, ready to start only working on things, adjusting optimistically to the sub-sites I was happy with after leaving patreon, able to close commissions even... all going hunky dory and coming to a close! Even my love life, regardless of hiccups and struggles, felt like going through the same... but then unexpectedly I had to go through a break up that, for better or worse, hitted me like a truck X_x The whole thing sank me on a state of art-block (and depression maybe? I dunno... it sure felt like it) for a bunch of days. I told myself I was strong, that it would be over soon, I'm fineeee, I'm goood... and yes, thankfully that whole relationship thing eventually solved itself. In very unexpected ways yes, but you know... it solved itself, letting me be... you know, that whole closure thing by March/April of 2024 from the last journal, yay good ^^u

BUT... the reality since late September 2023 was seeing those dormant days turn into weeks, those weeks turn into months. Yet bills, taxes and rent had to get paid, and 'cuz I couldn't wait for my brain to react enough so the stress paralyzing me could go away -not to mention being too fucking prude to ask for help through the means I could've-, sigh... by December of 2023 I resorted to loans again, and I've had to do so in an annoyingly "consistent" manner until the beginning of this month even X_x Just... fuck me, bro LOL WTF is wrong with me? I always remind myself "crazyness is repeating the same mistakes expecting different results" and yet here I am =_=U

I'm gonna be fair with myself, though... and accept that in the middle of that shit sandwich, the current state of subscription-based sites since the beginning of this year hasn't been ideal and HIGHLY contributed to it too, 'cuz the waiting periods -not to mention minimal numbers- I'm required to agree with in order to withdraw my income, they've been extended WAY past any sort of comfort zone for me to rely on monthly X_x suddenly 7 days can turn into 14 days, if not MORE... just fuck, dude... even when there're perks to using those sites, fair... they end feeling outweighted, and that makes it hard to keep myself motivated and stress-free in the overall scheme of things =_=U

So, the current situation has culminated into this bullshit dynamic in where almost ALL of my monthly income, including the one coming from commissions, sinks into paying for these loans first even before I get any chance of paying my taxes (and I'm pretty sure that's gonna be it until the beginning of 2025, here's hoping not but ugh... you're welcome to call me stupid, I sure do sometimes... stupid me); but specially and most important: my rent; and thank fucking god that when pushes come to shove I've very understandable landlords, 'cuz at the time of writing this I'm like almost 3 months past due and I KNOW that if it was any other place... I would probably be on the streets by now (or going back to live with my parents if I'm real, but still) and that alone makes me realize how fucked up and far from ideal all this is LOL X_x

And look, I'm not sharing this for you people to feel sorry for me, please don't... In a way I think that would be shitty of me. But I just had to do so to relieve my brain and also put some context on my situation, 'cuz I've been feeling quite uneasy and probably using dissociation too much, like this is something I can escape from... no, I can't escape from it, I shouldn't have to escape from it, I just gotta DEAL with it. This is simply a problem that CAN and WILL be solved. The first step is admitting it, I did it to myself and now I'm doing it with y'all, there's that partial sense of failure when having to do so, but fuck it... I'm not a flawless being and there's only enough "bullets" I can keep "dodging" until what? until I fall into a mental breakdown over fucking money? no no, I know I'm better than that, that I can DO better than that... A plan has been formulated, and this is just one of its steps 💪

~ Commissioners: You're My Clients, Not My Problem Solvers 'n' I'm Sorry =_=U

If I've to give this shit situation a thankfull spin -although even that sounds... weird to expect from it-, is that it helped me realize a shitty pattern... and damn if I've been shitty myself for not realizing it sooner. In the past, whenever surprising hoops that I've had to jump through showed up, I tended to rely and communicate directly with specific clients instead of being public when needing money urgently, mostly 'cuz I was too prude to admit that I was going through emergencies myself; when I saw other artist open "emergency commissions" I understood the struggle, but I kept telling myself that doing that wasn't something I should do... that it would mean I failed my own goals. Low and behold, all these years later and my schedule and backlog is proof that I've failed myself big time... but those emergencies where all "in secret", so that way I could keep lying to myself... but I can't keep going on like that, 'cuz by doing so I keep failing everyone X_x

While not intentionally, I've been treating many clients in the past like they're monolites of disposable income I can go to, and that's just horrible. Yes, even being aware you're all just people like me, surviving and struggling... I kept reminding myself that, but I still did those bad thing outta desperation. When one of those client came back to me with a sense of guilt and that they "betrayed" me for what are MY OWN missdeeds, that's when I saw how shitty and outta hand the situation got. I told them they had nothing to apologize, after all I've been the one in the wrong, and now I'm telling y'all too. I'm really sorry for all those past situations where I acted like you were supposed to solve my problems, and I promess I won't do that anymore... if future struggles happen, I'm just gonna be open and direct with everyone. I'll do my best to make sure your trust in me pays off, a trust for which I'm always grateful <333

Well, here's hoping once more that the next journal sees me in a better situation overall; back to work I go, thanks a lot if you read it all, you're a trooper <333 Have a nice day y'all ^^!

I was originally writing this during the last day of the month, but I guess by the time I'm done it's gonna count as an April 1st thing, I know that's the Fool's day... feels weird timing for some reason, but where I live is celebrated on December 28th, so there's that *shrug* A n y w a y s... this is more of a contextual update rather than plannings, most of what I expressed in that regard on my previous journal still applies ^^

Still, the parts relevant enough about my work have been highlighted for those willing to read just that =3

~ The Wake-Up Call and going from 'Shitto' to Keto...

I've recounted it several times to many people, but to keep it short: February and March have been kind of a mess for my head and body, and the "proper" struggle on trying to get outta that mess. Summer here in Uruguay slapped us with a severe heatwave, I also went through an annoying art block (at times I even felt like I forgot how to draw geez wtf) and self-concious feelings about leaving the gym, my weight situation, and eating habits too. Partially I got to a certain heavy intake 'cuz of the gym, but once that aspect was paused (at least I hope to come back soon enough later) I was still "eating away" the stress of last year and letting myself go, and I knew I was doing it... you know, the good ol' placebo effect.

By that point my old scale has become my frenemy (not that it being an old dusty analogue one -that kept me half-guessing all the time- helped its case), so I just got rid of it... but then my over-eating got worse, my sleeping got worse, my mood got worse, everything just got fucking worse LOL; finally I got a new digital scale, something that's waaay more accurate... and to be honest the inital number I saw scared me, I was reaching the kind of obessity I left behind years ago... and I told myself hell no, fuck that, no fucking way, I'm not dealing with this again X_x

So yeah, if I wasn't gonna exercise no more (specially since the eliptic machine I bought a bit ago ended being defective, internally slanted, fuck my luck... it makes my leg motions uncomfortable as fuck and I don't wanna end hurting my weist or something, then again it wasn't brand new, lesson learnt) I had to radically change my eating. I recalled that keto was what worked for me the last time (I was able to even focus better on my work thanks to it) and dediced to resume it, but not before properly preparing for it, going through a low-carb eating period, stopping my caffeine intake and what not... 

By then I was already near the middle of March, and that's when something unexpected -yet honestly... quite welcome- happened... remember all that stress from the end of last year I kept mentioning? well, to keep it short, it was a breakup with my then boyfriend, and while I knew things were never going to be the same (I think probably for the better, many unflattering factors involved sadly triggered the whole situation) at least I though maybe a frienship could survive, but nope... after messaging him one day for what felt like a long while, since I was used to his busy schedule, I was just specifically requested to cut contact. My first though was: 'huh, mkay... that's fair, the last thing I wanna cause this person is trouble'; but the moment it happened, I realized I wasn't really sad anymore, nor resentful at all... I had my time to grief the whole thing, and apparently he had time to move on from me. Suddenly I had no more doubts or lingering expectations, there were no more "what ifs" spinning in my head... I felt a heavyness being lifted off myself, I felt relief... and while I'll always appreciate the good things from that relationship, even if when looking back it all feels like an unbelievable dream, at least now I can finally give myself some closure and move on mentally from it... my best wishes to you, dude <33

Damn wow, just writing it down reassures that feeling, haha ^^u Anyways, once I finally was deep into a few days of keto diet, I preffered to dive into an alternative-to-consecutive fasting for faster results. I did it for around a week, a bit of a struggle but certainly worth doing so. It feels like quite the cleansing to be honest, it has even helped me to focus properly on things and being more proactive and relaxed, I welcome that a lot ^^ Sadly though, a fast is not very sustainable when you've other responsabilities, specially when it comes to my job and finances... there's only so much time I can take off before things start to pile up again X_x So as of the writing of this journal I've gone back to keto, making sure I can fully get back into my artworks and commissions. It feels okay, I feel in control again, doing it for myself... and I'm just glad I didn't let any of the things spiral for the worse. Here's hoping the progress only gets better x3

~ WEBSITE: Of Revamps 'n' Payoffs <333

So, with all those previous things going around, a bit after the beginning of March I took the time to revamp much of this website and its sections, making things more reachable and clear for y'all ^^ But more specifically, I wanted to completely overhaul my Homepage and it was worth it ^^ Now it feels like a proper "main hub" for all my endevours, properly directing people to where all the action is at =D Then, an interesting discovery...

When I had to open commissions last month, I did so only announcing it through my main gallery sites and this website, totally skipping social media (not that I've many lol) and the reception was surprisingly equal, even done more directly through mail as I usually expect. It helped me realize I don't need them and I really appreciate that, specially now when NSFW artist are being screwed over all over the place in those (for reals, I feel like I keep dodging bullets when it comes to banning and/or suspensions, or thankfully avoiding monetization sites that just got fucking worse for adult content X_x). So apparently this place works just fine as a main contact source for y'all, and I'm truly happy about that since that was always the main goal =3

*LOL literally realizing as I'm about to post this, how it all occured exactly in the day that Shakespeare saying references... or maybe I was just striked by Denzel Crocker's groovy vibez, oh well... a good thing is a good thing, I'll take it.

Well, not much else to share for now to be honest... as usual, just keeping y'all on the loop ^^!
Thanks a lot for your appreciation and support, now let's get back to work =D

You know, by the end of 2023 I feel that life chewed me up good and spat me out all flavourless, like to see how far it could keep going with me... how rude of you, life LOL; anyways... for the most part this is a public recount of what I already explained to fellow subscribers and most clients, but making it extra public for the usual sake of transparency ^^!

The relevant parts about my work have been highlighted for the benefit of those willing to read just that =3

~ Life's a Bitch and Then You Keep Living...

Yeah, last year many things went quite oof, and while still better than what I was afraid of... the stings of pain from precious things that broke in the process still lurk around me; is like I'm still sorrounded by the ghost of thoughs related to people and situations that already took their course, even before I could exactly do anything more than just accept what was happening. I wish so many things went differently last year, but I can't live in the "would'ves" and "could'ves", right? I gotta move on to finally move on, and here I am, tired of expecting my silly brain to realize the many answers to stupidly repeated questions have already been given a long time ago. There's nothing else to do but cleaning up and picking up the pieces of my own mess... and it sounds extra dramatic once written, but it's an accurate destilation of the position that finally got me to sit down and express myself here ^^u

Anyways, I hope 2024 will be a year of success and fun, of further developments and joy ^^! My family visit for the holidays did me quite good, and I've already taken a pre-empted approach to many things I wanted to start fresh with, like my exercising (the gym I got into getting even more flexible hours and days in the week helped), my diet (fine carbs, you can come back in... but you better work for me instead lol) and sleeping schedules (hello night, I guess you're my friend for resting too). All that remains is to focus on my work... and I'm REALLY glad that I can still say my work remains as one of the great sources of joy in my life <3 BUT the enviroment online for artists have been rough, and that's sadly hard to ignore (specially in financial terms). So, in a more personal note with that... some plans, even though I really didn't want them to, need a slight retooling...

~ Changes in SUBSCRIPTIONS' Distribution 'n' Creative Process...

Settling down on SubscribeStar and FANBOX has been a good establishment for my creativity, yet the output ways I performed last year were still quite subpar, but I think is mostly 'cuz I was focusing on the wrong aspects of it, I need a good balance (specially if I wanna reduce the resolutions explained on the next section to a minimum for the sake of my backlog) to properly keep myself afloat. So from now on things will be as follows:

As I've been doing since last year, completed non-private commissions will continue to be released early to subscribers for around a whole month before hitting the public,

While the rest of my works -regardless of content- will be exclusively granted to subscribers for extended periods of time, around and/or up to a whole year;

Also I'm gonna take a simpler coloring approach to all my other non-commissioned works (mostly fanarts, and specifically speaking: the shading*) since I wanna be able to produce more in less time;

*it doesn't mean I'm gonna make everything "flat colored" from now on, but with a simpler "cel-shaded" look -best example I was given: The Simpsons show vs The Simpsons Movie shading lol-, and of course always depending on the source material, in order for the best vibe to hit, because stupid sexy muscles and certain details always need shading to feel wowzers in erotic works anyway x3 If anything, the best way to complement these changes in shading will be doing almost-always full on backgrounds =3

~ COMMISSIONS: Backlog Still The Focus... But Monthly Slots Will Open Up;

I feel partially quite bad about having to take this decision ^^u but subscriptions, as welcome as they're, still form quite a gamble that doesn't fully pay the bills, unless aided by monthly commissions ^^u I mean, it was more or less the situation during the remaining months of 2023 after I decided to close "permanently" once my debt was solved ^^u

I'll be opening slots again this year BUT I'll make sure to do it on a very controlled and properly scheduled manner in relation to my backlog. I'm thinking a maximum of 2 to 3 as much each time. Ideally I'll open them biweekly on weekends (could be more often, could be less often, that will always depend on how the numbers do each month) and only LVLs Gamma and/or Delta. The usual conditions will apply, more specific details will be given on the announcements each time, since character and/or topical-focus discounts could be involved too.

BTW is worth mentioning that the changes on my creative process described on the previous section WON'T AFFECT previous/current and/or future arranged commissions for the time being and until further notice, 'cuz I intent to keep that final look going on consistently until full clearance is reached ^^

Anyways, that is all for now, folks! I wanted to keep on you the loop of things as usual, once more here's to a productive 2024 full of good things for us all ^^!

 Thanks a lot for your appreciation and support =3